Five-Point Spring Break Survival Guide (Wooo!)
Yes, the Fort Lauderdale gets progressively more upscale every season, and yes, the classy set tries to downplay the annually resurfacing celebration of Fort Liquordale's past, but it seems that as long as there are fraternities and the Elbo Room, there will be spring break, as evidenced in this 2008 New Times article, a worthwhile read for anyone who loves, hates, or is oddly fascinated by spring break culture.
So take a moment to shake off your denial of the city's most sinful time of year, because a version of the same half-clad drunken co-ed debauchery is about to ensue. And if you think erring on the classy side will save you, remember, to walk from Las Olas to the W and the Ritz-Carlton, you must pass Elbo Room and Beach Place. There is no spring break ghetto -- we live in a highly integrated beach society, for better or worse. And in that spirit, we've compiled five essential survival strategies to help locals effectively cope.
5. Laugh it off. Drunk people are funny; "The Situation" imitators are funny; their dance moves are funny; their highly physical romances are funny. They just are. And if you're laughing, you'll be a tangential part of the "fun" and therefore much less likely to get urinated on or puked on. A scowl provokes retaliation. Cheers.
4. Don't take an open beer from anyone except a bartender. Usually, this advice is wisely doled out to avoid date-rape drugs. But during spring break, craftily disguised bodily fluids are arguably more widespread than roofies. So either bring or buy your own beer year-round to be safe, but especially from March-May.
3. Go West. Naples? Sarasota? Lovely beaches and hardly any spring breakers. The Gulf Coast is an easy drive for a serene change of scenery.
2. Renew your New Year's resolution. If you live in South Florida, chances are it was something like "stop drinking," "detox," or "read more things that aren't US Weekly." Take the next couple of months to renew your healthy resolutions, which will, no doubt, keep you far-removed from the spring break circuit.
1. If you can't beat em', join em'. Yeah, funneling beer, killing Jäger bombs, and fist-pumping to Top 40 hits looks atrocious from afar, but maybe it feels much better than it looks. (Hint: It does.) Go ahead, try it -- you just might like it.
Follow The Juice on Twitter: @TheJuiceBPB.
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