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Five Reasons the Miami Dolphins Won't Suck Against the Jaguars Tonight

Five Reasons the Miami Dolphins Won't Suck Against the Jaguars Tonight

The Miami Dolphins head into EverBank Field in Jacksonville tonight to take on the Jaguars for their second pre-season hoedown of 2013.

Last week, against the Cowboys, the Fins looked as bad as a team that calls itself a professional football team could look.

And while we know watching this team is like having cat piss sprayed in your eyes, we do think they'll look better tonight.

And while we have no real concrete proof as to why we think they'll fare better against the Jaguars other than it's the Jaguars, here are five reasons why they won't totally suck:

Five Reasons the Miami Dolphins Won't Suck Against the Jaguars Tonight

Because The Law of Averages Says Ryan Tannehill's Shittiness Won't Last, Probably Ryan Tannehill was mostly shitty against the Cowboys last week, and has put together some shitty practices all week. That's just too much shittiness for one man. So, we turn to the law of averages, which says that, at some point, it's enough already with all the shittiness for Ryan.

Plus, this time around, he'll have Mike Wallace and Brian Hartline to throw to, instead of that McBalls guy, or whatever his name is, and that other dude who will be driving a Rooms-To-Go delivery truck in a few weeks.

Five Reasons the Miami Dolphins Won't Suck Against the Jaguars Tonight

Because If Blaine Gabbert Beats You, You Might As Well Call It A Season Right Now The Jaguars say that Gabbert will be starting tonight over Chad Henne. We're pretty sure the Jags are just trolling everyone with that decision.

Either way, if the Dolphins defense get beat by the Brosiest quarterback in the NFL, then we might as well just pack it up now and start thinking about next year's draft.

Five Reasons the Miami Dolphins Won't Suck Against the Jaguars Tonight

Because Jonathan Martin Wishes We Could Play Jacksonville Every Week The Jaguars were ranked 20th in pass rush last year. TWENTIETH. That is a whole sack of suck right there.

So expect Jonathan Martin to jump ahead in the race for WHICH OF MIAM'S LEFT TACKLES LOOKS LESS LIKE A GIANT PILE OF DEER SHIT between him, Will Yeatman, Dallas Thomas, and Jeff Adams after tonight.

That, or, we pack it up and start thinking about year's draft.

Five Reasons the Miami Dolphins Won't Suck Against the Jaguars Tonight

Because At Some Point, Joe Philbin Will Show Us All He's An Actual NFL Coach Joe Philbin is entering his second season as the Fins head coach and so far, the results have been mixed.

His in-game management has been a mess, and his team has yet to take on any kind of identity.

So far all we've seen from Philbin is his lurchy anger at players that say cuss words, and not much else. We hired this guy to light a fire in the offense and turn this franchise around.

Joe Philbin seems like a decent enough dude, but so far he's been the equivalent of scratching your itchy asshole with a fart.

Five Reasons the Miami Dolphins Won't Suck Against the Jaguars Tonight

Because We Are A Dumb It's preseason. It's meaningless. It's the Jaguars. But that won't stop us from totally believing that THIS is going to be the game that turns everything around and makes us forget we've finished 7-9 every year since 2008.

Kickoff is at 7:30. You can catch the game on CBS WFOR, or WBBH in Palm Beach

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