Five Things Donald Trump's "Big" Announcement Could Be UPDATED
Donald Trump will be making a "very, very big" announcement today that might change the course of the presidential election but probably won't because Donald Trump is an attention-whoring dipshit.
But that isn't keeping us from talking about it because everyone loves to stare at a train wreck. Particularly a circus train with a terrible combover.
So, what could the big announcement be??
Some are saying that Trump will reveal that the Obamas once almost got divorced.
But Trump himself took to Twitter and said that all predictions up to this point are wrong.
So, what will the announcement be? Here are five guesses:
Update [12:40 p.m.] Trump announces on YouTube that he will donate $5 million to a charity of Obama's choice if the president hands over his college records (see Trump's video below)
5. Trump will be combing his hair to the other side of his head
In a daring attempt to change things up, Trump has decided to stop combing over his hair towards the front of his head, and will instead comb it towards the back. This will reveal tattoos of his ex-wive's names next to a drawing of a topless Daisy Duck on his forehead that he's been hiding for decades.
4. Trump will fire Mitt Romney
"Mittington, my net worth is about 2.9 billion. Yoahs is $250 million. Theafoah because youah not rich enough to represent the Republicans and piss all ovah the middle class, yeh fiahd."
3. Trump will do the next space jump
Jealous of all the attention Felix Baumgartner has gotten from his freefall spacejump from the edge of the stratosphere, Trump will announce that he too will make a spacejump. From Mars.
"The Donald doesn't jump from the edge of space like some pansy," he will say. "And since not even zero gravity can hold me down, I will theafoah, will jump from Mahs."
When scientists warn him that Mars is roughly 40 million miles from earth, and that he will surely die in the vacuum of space, he will accuse them of not being born in America. And then he will fire them.
2. Trump will announce that he will no longer tweet like a pre-teen girl
These are ACTUAL tweets from Trump:
- "Robert Pattinson should not take Kristen Stewart back, She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again -- just watch"
- "I don't like John Mayer -- he dates and tells -- be careful Katy"
- "The more Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, etc. you drink, the more you gain weight?"
- "Brooklyn Nets have the worst uniforms ever -- Boring"
1. Trump will announce..... nothing
The announcement will either be something Barack Obama did twenty years ago that no one will give a shit about, or will be something having to do with how Obama once visited Kenya so he was OBVIOUSLY born there. Basically, it'll be nothing with little to no impact on the race whatsoever.
Until his next bombshell announcement!
The very big huge world changing announcement will be made at noon today.
UPDATE: Trump has come out and made his big giant world shattering announcement.
Ready to get your ass blown clean off??
Here it is:
Donald Trump will donate $5 million to a charity of Obama's choice if the president releases his college records.
It's not so much an announcement as it's a ridiculously idiotic request.
Trump released the challenge in a YouTube video.
"If Barack Obama opens up and gives his college records and applications ... and if he gives his passport applications and records I will give to a charity of his choice -- Inner City Children of Chicago, American Cancer Society, AIDS Research ... a check immediately for 5 million dollars."
Trump was right! This will definitely sway voters and rock the election! Those people who already hate Obama and believe he's a secret Kenyan Muslim are totally going to vote EVEN HARDER for Mitt Romney now!
Well played, Combover McDipshits. Well played.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.
- 27 Facts About New Miami Dolphins Head Coach Dan Campbell
Thu., Oct. 15, 7:00pm
Thu., Oct. 15, 7:30pm
Sat., Oct. 17, 12:00am
Sat., Oct. 17, 10:00am
- Sun-Sentinel to Make Employee Cutbacks
- Stabbing at Davie Group Home Again Highlights Lax Supervision