Five Things You Should Never, Ever Do After an Alligator Bites Your Hand Off
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Or "clean off" as they wrote in The Sun over there in England, where they didn't come out and say what everyone in the world must be thinking:
This Timothy Delano, who lost his left hand to an alligator last Sunday, does not sound like he resembles an intelligent individual in any way, shape, or form.
Delano, 18, was swimming with a couple of buddies in a freshwater canal called "The Crystal" near Alligator Alley when he was bitten by a large (ten foot) alligator that then tried pulling him underwater. Delano escaped after hitting the gator in the nose. The reptile was caught and eviscerated, but Delano's hand wasn't a good candidate for reattachment, as it was, well, sort of yucky.
Now, because of his numb-nuttedness, there's one fewer alligator in the world. Plus, Delano's parents will have to take out their own trash, probably for months, because ol' Timbo's got a pretty good excuse: "I'd love to, Mom, but I'm kinda missing my hand. Perhaps you heard? They recovered it from an alligator's belly, where it had been half-digested by the sulfuric-acid-like juices."
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Doctors who unsuccessfully tried to reattach Delano's hand, one imagines, must have considered a possible brain transplant as well.
Anyway, our list. And yes, his quotes are real:
5. Demand that authorities close the canal you were swimming in.
That's like telling drivers they can't cruise down A1A anymore, since that's where you lost a hubcap.
4. Hold up your bloody stump, see the white, bitten-off radius and ulna sticking out of the wound, and start screaming while "cursing at the world."
First, screaming at a bloody stump, especially your own, just shows the world how self-absorbed you are. And cursing that self-same world is evidence of bad manners.
3. Text-message your mom (or "mum" as The Sun reported) saying, "I have no left hand. Goodbye." Moms -- and mums, especially mums -- tend to worry. She might not care that you're missing your left hand, especially if you're right-handed, but texting "goodbye" in the next breath might make her think you mean, "Goodbye, cruel world. I curse you no more."
4. Punch the alligator in the face.
Actually, come to think of it, that's about the only smart thing Delano did.
5. Get quoted in the press saying, "I was told there were no animals where we swam."
"Nothing to worry about, Timmy. We tossed a jar of Gatr-B-Gone in there yesterday, and it should be fine now." Dude -- for real? You thought it was like chlorinating a pool? You're swimming in a fucking canal near the Everglades, near a road called Alligator Alley, and you're surprised you were attacked by a ten-foot gator? Next time the lifeguard says, "There are no sharks in the ocean," we really hope you and your damned stump will stay on the sand.
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