Can't a dude lie on his couch and scratch his balls in peace without his ole lady hassling him?
Well, one man decided to take a stand to being able to nutscratch as a free man whenever he damned well pleases.
Unfortunately, he went about it the wrong way, pushed his lady, and was charged with simple battery, setting back man's struggles to scratch his nards in relative peace and without harassment.
According to a Manatee County Sheriff's Office arrest affidavit, Ronald Howard Jr. was sitting on his couch in his Bradenton home, minding his own business while going to town on his boys.
His live-in girlfriend, Shalamar, told him to stop scratching his danglies, because she was about to have dinner and it was totally grossing her out seeing her boyfriend digging into his pants and rasping his beanbags.
Shalamar called it "rude and disgusting," according to the affidavit.
But Howard, 30, did not care for being told to hold off on the ball-scratching by his girlfriend, who weirdly doesn't enjoy the imagery of a man playing with his hairy cod while she tries to eat.
According to cops, Howard got up from the couch and got into Shalamar's face. He also screamed at her to "stop judging him."
Howard then allegedly pushed Shalamar into the kitchen, which caused her to fall and injure her ankle. He then grabbed her and threw her out of their apartment, shouting, "Get the hell out!" according to the arrest report.
When cops showed up, Howard told them the whole fracas began when his lady punched him in the eye for scratching his manjiggles and proceeded to claim self-defense.
But it's difficult to prove you've been punched in the eye when your eye isn't swollen or bruised or scratched in any way, so the deputy wasn't buying it.
Shalamar, on the other hand, had visible injuries on her leg from falling in the kitchen.
Keep on fighting for your right to scratch your balls freely, men. Just don't literally fight.
Also, hold off on grating your nutsack while your lady is about to eat. That or go to the bathroom and do your thing.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!