For The Love Of Crist
In a recent Republican Party mailing for gubernatorial frontrunner Charlie Crist, they included a picture of Crist clutching a few little boys in a happy pose. Under the picture is this Crist quote:
"If we promote and protect our children and strengthen our families, we will go a long way in realizing our hopes and dreams."
Not a bad quote -- and boy is Crist and the GOP promoting those kids. But the get-up is really as phony as a piece of Southwest Ranches swampland. This, in political parlance, is called the "borrowed family shot" since the Republican nominee is a confirmed bachelor and apartment-dweller.
Or is he?
The Pulp question of the day: Where did Crist get the kids?
A. He single-handedly rescued (and thereby protected) them from gay couples who had fiendishly adopted them. Don't make any mistake: Charlie Crist is stongly into that whole man-woman thing and simply won't abide gay adoption (a position stated strongly on the mailer in case you didn't know it already).
B. He borrowed them from his close friend Mark Foley, who,
since he's not drinking this month, had no practical use for them.
C. He spotted the youngsters at a political rally/barn dance outside of Orlando. While his security team incapacitated their parents with drugged darts, he spirited them away for the photograph. By the time the parents awoke, the Crist camp had tucked the entire family into their beds and, thanks to various CIA mind-control techniques, they awoke believing they'd just had a lovely picnic with popular television personality Erik Estrada in a park outside Mount Dora.
D. They're Crist's own illegitimate children. Remember how the Gallagher campaign tried to say Crist might have fathered a child out of wedlock and lied about it? Well, they didn't know the third of it. The young'uns were sired during stormy respites from various political campaigns, during which the normally mild-mannered Crist's virility exploded "like Heathcliff on the moors," as one baby's mama put it.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.