Wednesday, August 29, 2012 at 7:08 a.m.
Last night's episode of Hard Knocks was all heartache and Jeff Ireland.
We saw the stark reality of players' dreams of playing professional football halted by the cruel, cutthroat world of the NFL.
And we saw firsthand just how thoroughly Ireland sucks at his job.
We also saw that, no matter what Vontae Davis' Dolphins legacy is, we will forever know him as the dude who simply wanted to call his grandma when he was told he had been traded to the Colts.
Here's your recap:
-- Things got off to a depressingly shitty start -- which is apropos with this team -- with the talk of players having to get released and the eventual retirement of Eric Steinbach.
-- Aside from being yet another potential second-round bust for Ireland, Daniel Thomas is also now in the coach's doghouse. NICE DRAFT PICK, ACE. He's apparently been on Philbin's shit list for arriving to meetings late. Arriving late to meetings won't fix you spraining your ACL after your second carry of the season, son. Get with it!
-- FIESTY JOE PHILBIN IS FIESTY. It was nice to hear Philbin curse for fucking once! It shows leadership. It shows that you think it's unacceptable to be mediocre. And, more to the point, it shows that you're not a fucking goober.
-- There was a part where HBO showed clips of players dropping passes, missing tackles, and falling down while Dubstep's "Cracks Begin to Show" played in the background. If a montage of our shitty team being shitty with Dubstep playing in the background isn't the Miami Dolphins in a nutshell, what the fuck is?
-- Richie Incognito hacked into Michael Egnew's Facebook. Hilarity ensued.
-- Michael Egnew using his jersey number as his Facebook password is the most Michael Egnew thing ever.
-- Much to Matt Moore's and all of football-watching America's shock, Ryan Tannehill revealed that he doesn't know the NFL's divisions. HOW THE FUCK DOES RYAN TANNEHILL NOT KNOW THE NFL DIVISIONS? HE THINKS THE CHIEFS ARE AN NFC TEAM. HE SAID "I KNOW MOST OF THE CONFERENCES" WHEN THERE ARE ONLY TWO. HOLY SHIT, WE'RE ALL GONNA KEEP EATING BIG CEREAL BOWLS OF DICKS FOR MANY MORE SEASONS TO COME!
-- HBO really tried to shoehorn the whole Jeff Ireland's just a regular fella like you and me shit on us.
They showed us his kids playing in his office (his son is ironically named Riley).
They showed us Jeff's origins from humble kid to smarmy franchise-killing dickweed.
He's a guy who's been around football all his life. His granddad played in the NFL and then coached with the '85 Bears, where little Jeffy was a ball boy.
Crazy how you can be around one of the greatest teams in the history of the NFL as an impressionable young man and learn exactly dick when it comes to building good football teams.
"I've trained since I was 11 years old to this job," Ireland quips.
Oh, fuck you with a rabid badger, you shitstick.
-- The episode ultimately came down to showing us players being told they were being released. The Les Brown releasing was especially painful, given that he seems like a genuinely good guy with a huge heart and a superhot girlfriend.
His exchange with TE Coach Dan Campbell was pretty riveting television. And it was tough to not feel for the guy. Until you realize he'll probably be picked up by the Patriots and will then proceed to rip our team several new assholes twice a season for the next seven or eight seasons.
Bill Belicheck: "He's small. He's fast. He's white. He's perfect!"
-- Then came the moment we were all waiting for: the Vontae Davis trade. The trade itself seemed to go down fairly quickly. Ireland consulted with Philbin. Philbin made an awkward lurchy face. Ireland pulled the trigger. The brain trust!
When Ireland called Davis into his office to break the news, Davis' first reaction was to whip out his phone.
"You all right?" Ireland asked.
"I wanna call my grandma," Davis replied.
BOOM. Television gold.
It's really the most awesome reaction to any kind of intense news ever. Who doesn't want to call their grandma when shit goes down? There should be law where you're allowed to call your grandma whenever shit goes down, like when you're given one phone call after being arrested.
Calling grandma trumps EVERYTHING.
NEXT WEEK: What will happen to the players on the bubble? Also, it's the last episode of the season, so enjoy it, Dolphins fans. The shit only gets chunkier from here!
Hard Knocks airs on HBO every Tuesday at 10 p.m.