Hard Knocks Season Finale: The Tannehills Make a Table!
Last night was the season finale of Hard Knocks, which means it's all downhill for the Miami Dolphins from here on out.
As far as season finales go, this one was a weird amalgam of boring, sad, and -- for some inexplicable reason -- Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson.
With the first four episodes featuring exclusive looks into the inner workings of an NFL football team, human interest stories, Jeff Ireland being a smarmy dick, Vontae Davis wanting to call his grandma, and Joe Philbin not taking too kindly to all that cussing, the last episode was a letdown.
Oh, but, hey we got to watch Ryan and Lauren Tannehill build a table from Ikea. So, there was that.
Here's your recap:
-- The first major thing to happen in this episode was watching Jake Long go down with that knee injury of his.
Philbin came noodling over with a look on his face that spoke of dread and void and perplexity. The kind of face a father would give his son when he asks for Lady Gaga concert tickets for his 11th birthday.
"I got fucking rolled up on," Jake says as he winces in pain. No doubt Philbin was perturbed by the cussing.
"Let's watch that language now," Philbin probably wanted to say. These kids these days just don't know the value of "heck," or "dangit," or if they really need to let off some steam, "gosh dangit."
-- Joe Philbin talking about the Dolphins' receiving corps: "You can make a case to get rid of them all."
He then joked with Jeff Ireland that they can just choose which receiver to keep by playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey. HA HA HA HA it's funny because it makes no fucking sense.
-- Speaking of wide receivers, remember Chris Hogan, AKA 7-Eleven? Yeah, there was a reason you'd hear about him only during Hard Knocks and never, say, after an actual game.
But he's white and fast and totally has a boss nickname! IT'S SHOCKING THAT HE GOT RELEASED!
-- During a meeting with the quarterbacks, offensive coordinator Mike Sherman told them that Chad Johnson texted him at 11 the night before. The text message simply read: "I'm open."
-- HBO spent a good five minutes showing us Ryan and Lauren Tannehill building a table (and fucking it up in the process). That happened.
-- As soon as they kept showing us more of Jarell Root than we should've been seeing, you knew he was fucked. It seems to be the Hard Knocks M.O. Showcase the likable guy in the first seven minutes of the episode. Show him goofing around with his teammates. Oh look, he has a lovely singing voice! Haha... he's funny too. Oh boy I hope he makes the team!
And then, boom. They release him, his hopes shattering before your very eyes, the realization that a lifelong dream now might be dead.
Eat shit, you manipulative assholes!
-- When you really break it down, the entire final episode was just a montage of Jeff Ireland erasing all his awful mistakes by releasing players he not only signed but drafted as well. Most notably, Clyde Gates and B.J. Cunningham -- two receivers he personally drafted.
It was like watching a guy clean up his own shit from the bathroom floor after he missed the toilet.
The good news is now all of America was able to take in the epic atrocity that is Jeff Ireland firsthand -- as we have the past four years.
-- There was a scene in which Tannehill, Matt Moore, and David Garrard talked about cassette tapes. Even award-winning HBO magic couldn't make this team interesting.
-- Right before the episode ended, we were treated to some more Chad Johnson. Because there was only so much HBO could do with hours and hours of film of Ireland releasing players and tables being built and people talking about cassette tapes. They gave us a full three minutes of a guy who hasn't been with the team for three weeks.
"How'd I even get to this point?" Chad rhetorically asks the camera. "Somewhere along the way, I lost focus. I lost something that I love. I lost two things that I love because of my immature actions. I'm going to get both of those back. One step at a time."
-- The very last scene of Hard Knocks With the Miami Dolphins: David Garrard talking about his inflamed bowels.
Yup. These are your Miami Dolphins.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.