MORE

Heat Get Torched by Spurs Again, Are One Loss Away From Elimination

Heat Get Torched by Spurs Again, Are One Loss Away From Elimination

Just as it was in Game 3 of these roller coaster NBA Finals, the San Antonio Spurs caught fire in Game 5, and torched the Miami Heat with a 60 percent shooting performance that has the world champs at the brink of total destruction.

The series switches back to Miami (finally!), and the Heat will now have to do something they haven't done since May 15: Win two games in a row.

Here's the rundown:

We're Living in A World Where Danny Green Is Your Finals MVP Danny Green has simply taken advantage of the Heat completely ignoring him and broke Ray Allen's mark for made threes in an NBA Finals series when he hit six more of them in Game 5. In what has to be the most ass-wrenching part of this series, Green has been able to run around and free himself of any Heat defender within 800 feet of him, and drain his three pointers. Green scored 24 points and was once again the reason the Spurs destroyed Miami.

The world pretty much never heard of Danny Green before the series started, and apparently the Heat still don't know who he is either, because they refuse to acknowledge his presence on the court. And even when they do, he still drains those those fucking things. What's even more annoying is that the world will probably never hear from Danny Green ever again after this series is over.

LeBron James Got Manhandled By Professor Klump Continuing our theme of THE FUCK IS GOING ON??, even stranger than Danny Green literally being a better player than Larry Bird ever was in the Finals, was the fact that Boris Diaw pretty much shut down LeBron in Game 5.

Diaw, who is basically Eddie Murphy in a fat suit in basketball shorts, held LeBron to a shit-slinging 8-for-22 shooting. The aggressive, rim attacking, mountain-crushing monster that James was in Game 4 was reduced to an inefficient jump-shot shooting machine. BY A FAT GUY NAMED BORIS.

LeBron simply refused to attack the rim when Diaw was on him.

Diaw put more fear and trepidation into Chinese buffet restaurant owners before last night. Now he's suddenly shutting down the greatest player on the planet. Or maybe he just ate LeBron James.

 

Spoelstrafied

Game 5 was maddening on many levels. But none more than Erik Spoelstra's not letting go of the rope that strangled away the Heat's best chances to breathe life into their game Sunday. While there's pretty much nothing that could've been done about the Spurs shooting a ridiculous pace, Spo did manage to drop trou and take a massive Filipino dump on the game by A.) refusing to play Chris Andersen for the second-straight game over Udonis Haslem, who is basically just an inanimate sack of meat at this point, and B) Giving way too many minutes to Mike Miller, who seems to have run out of Let If Fly juice. Spo also continued to go with Norris Cole on Tony Parker, even though Tony Parker went Johnny Storm on Cole all night long.

Not the best night for Spoelstra.

So... What Now?

The series feels like it's been in San Antonio since December, thanks to the NBA's 2-3-2 Finals format, instituted back in 1856 when the players had to travel in horse carriages. But now things shift back to Miami, where the ultra-rich douchery will spend a billion dollars per lower bowl ticket and arrive two hours late and not cheer when they're supposed to because they don't know the game (HOMECOURT ADVANTAGE! FUCK YEA!).

Miami hasn't won back-to-back games in these playoffs since they beat the Bulls way the fuck back on May 15.

So here are some things to keep in mind:

-- Again, no way the Spurs sustain this torrent run of EVERYFUCKINGTHINGTHEYTHROWUPGOESINTOTHEBASKET, especially on the road.

-- All of America will be cupping Manu Ginobili's balls for the next two days after his 24-point, 10-assist performance in Game 5. But the guy has simply been a lump of Argentine shit this entire playoffs, and there is simply no way he has that performance again on the road. Manu was due a big game, because narrativez. But the guy is toast. Toast with a bald spot.

Look at this asshole. America must really hate the shit out of the Heat to root for this.
Look at this asshole. America must really hate the shit out of the Heat to root for this.

-- At some point, Danny Green needs to stop. Also at some point, Dwyane Wade and the rest of the Heat defense will come around to the realization that you need to be in his face at all times.

-- Tony Parker is playing on one leg.

-- LeBron James at home is a planet devourer. As are the Heat sharp-shooters.

-- Seriously, rich Miamians, get there on fucking time and get off your fucking phone and make loud noises.

-- The Heat open up Game 6 as 7-point favorites. They are 12-0 after losing a game. So expect this thing to go to seven games, where anything can happen.

-- Down 3-2 and on the brink of having all of America laugh at our faces, Miami has two games at home to make the Universe right, where they've been pretty dominant.

It's Fuck or Walk time.

Close, or hit the bricks.

Follow Chris Joseph on Twitter




Sponsor Content

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >