Thursday, October 13, 2011 at 10:27 a.m.
Former Godfather's Pizza CEO and current Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain has been hailed in the media as the winner of Tuesday night's debate -- and as a likely frontrunner for the candidacy -- because he does nothing more than say "nine-nine-nine" and talk about "pivoting off the tax code." People like this because it is "simple."
They also trust Cain because he's a former businessman. (So is Bernie Madoff, by the way.) But before we all line up behind Cain because he did so well in business, we should first evaluate him the way we'd judge any entrepreneur: by the quality of his product.
So we present to you the OFFICIAL New Times Herman Cain endorsement test, in which we decide whether to throw the full weight of our support behind a candidate. Based solely on his pizza.
Now, people tell us he no longer has anything to do with the pizza company or something like that, but those are some facts that will do nothing but distract the American people from the true nature of the pizza.
So to find some samples that were almost definitely cooked by Herman Cain himself, we drove the New Times official Volkswagen to Davie, to a Hess Express across from a cemetery, where the pizza was being held for us under heat lamps.
We picked up three mini-pies that a store clerk assured us had been cooked in the past 15 minutes: cheese, variety meats, and some "supreme" combination bearing green peppers. We shuttled them back to the office at lightning speed, leaning on the horn. Don't want to be late to an endorsement interview.
The crust was crunchy and covered in an oily sheen, almost fried. The cheese lumped up in parts and was nearly absent on others, and the toppings, cut into little pieces, were charred around the edge. In other words, this was gas-station pizza.
Early polling indicated some uneasiness among voters. This response, from one of our tasters:
Though the pizza is competent and workmanlike, I think that its saltiness and predictability suggest a lack of creativity on the part of Cain. If we're going to create jobs, we need out-of-the-box thinking to resolve the monetary and financial policies that have led to mass unemployment: Doughy salt licks smeared with tomato paste and venereally textured sausage chunks are hardly indicative of an innovative problem solver. Final verdict: Based on Cain's pizza, he doesn't get my vote.
So Cain's already behind with the people who like big words. Figures. Let's see if we stay with this negative perception. Oh, and here's a surprise endorsement from our art director! Let's see what he has to say!
If there was some sort of contract where we received pizza like a welfare program on a regular basis, I would cast my vote for Herman "Crusty" Cain.
God bless America and its obesity problems.
There you have it. Maybe that $9.99 plan will work after all! Ha! What an upset for Cain. He may be the, uh, the dark horse, er, the underdog of this campaign, truly! Oh, here's another result in.
Not particularly imaginative. Doughy and full of air. Chintzy on toppings. Salty. Assessing these qualities in a candidate, and the answer is no.
That said, it's not a God-awful pie, it's just what you get at a gas station: below average.
Wow, that's so dour it could only have been written by a liberal food critic, am I right? Not much love for Cain there, but are they really getting his message the way real America is?
No, I would not vote: Pizza's too salty, I take that to mean he
could be a salty kind of guy.
OK, we understand that. Simple English. But the door is just a little bit open, just a crack, for this guy to storm the nomination! Here's an excited Republican news blogger now; let's interview him!
As a Republican, I would vote for Cain based on the terrible taste of the product marketed under the name "pizza." It reflects the core conservative values of efficiency and fiscal responsibility. The foreign taste and consistency of the cheese substitute really goes to show that these big spenders running their pizza joints with products like real cheese and meats are really detracting from the American business spirit. I'd even be so American as to eat 9-9-9 slices of the Godfather's product. Citizen Cain, you have my vote.
Wow, do you feel that? Americans have clearly shown the way they feel about this man -- not only this man but about his pizza as well. It's a simple plan and a good one. Pizza.
No. Because I vote along environmental lines. And I do not think that this pizza will ever biodegrade.
That's our managing editor, who clearly is trying to impose a liberal agenda on our eating habits here.
Well, let's tally up the votes: four voted no, and two voted yes. IT'S A WIN FOR CAIN!! DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! IT'S... oh, wait. We had to look at the math there. It appears that Herman Cain's pizza sucks, and his candidacy is probably irrelevant anyway. Endorsement withheld by the liberal media.
Join us next week as we try Romney's fabulous Old Bay crabcakes!
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