The hatch, the polar bear, the glowing cave, the smoke monster, the eternal battle for the soul of man, the perpetual five-o'clock shadows. It all ends tonight. Unless you've been (John) locked in a closet for the better part of the decade, this cryptic, enigmatic television show turned cultural phenomenon has surely seeped into your consciousness (or at least into the water cooler talk at your office).
So in honor of this event, we've compiled a list of some local characters we would love to see shipped to the mysterious, tumultuous, dangerous Pacific island of Lost.
These people all have a few things in common: Most are wealthy and powerful, many are conniving and corrupt, they could all use some serious island-induced reform in their lives, and South Florida would probably be a better place if they were there and not here.
1) Jeffrey Epstein
Perhaps he could ask the island to heal his affinity for underaged sex partners, and his egg-shaped penis.
2) Jeff Greene
The Island is frequented by several billionaires who can't ever seem to get enough power. Greene, who outsmarted the housing market, allegedly defrauded some old folks, and is now running for Senate, would fit right in.
3) John Goodman
Like all the Island's occupants, Goodman, another local bijillionaire playboy, has some demons. And after his recent arrest, he'd probably give a lot for a submarine ride to a disappearing tropical paradise.
4) Allen West
Retired Lt. Col. West honed his torture techniques in the Iraqi desert, just like Sayid. Plus, even if there was a giant oil spill off the coast of the island, West would suggest it was Obama's fault and insist the drilling continue.
5 & 6) Dalia and Michael Dippolito
This adorable couple is just like Sun and Jin, if instead of loving, star-crossed Korean soulmates Jin was a con-man felon who cheated on his wife with call girls and Sun was a prostitute who tried to hire a cop to kill her husband.
7) Ann Coulter
The Island could transform Coulter from the hardened, cynical, evil vituperator into an understanding, wonderful, sensitive person. Or it'd be fun to see her thrashed by a polar bear.
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8) Scott Rothstein
Another guy who'd probably give anything to be on an island somewhere. And he'd do his best to con everyone out of everything they had. He'd probably be something like Benjamin Linus.
9) Al Lamberti
The island would need some enforcers. And Lamberti could really use a fresh start right about now.
10) Rush Limbaugh
He would eventually turn into the smoke monster. It wouldn't be much of a transformation. As a matter of fact, if the Man in Black is able to escape the island, the entire show could actually be some sort of allegory about Rush's existence in this world.