So, it's New Year's Eve. And yes, it's 9 a.m. But we can only assume that you're already wasted.
And this -- this is a good thing. What's terrible, however, is that you're lost somewhere amid the throngs of corporate America, hammered drunk, perhaps irritated these pussies you work with aren't sauced too, and ready to drink more.
Fear not.
Here's how you will get through your day.
9 a.m. Open a beer.
9:30 a.m. Check to see if boss is looking. If he's not, open another beer. If he is, toss him a hokey look like it's only you two in on some joke while the rest of the schleps don't even have a fucking clue. Then open a beer.
10 a.m. Carry beer over to where the corporate overlords have placed The Office Television. Likely, it's on CNN or the Weather Channel, or some boring shit like that. Well, it's time to get this motherf**king party started. Flip station to MTV 2. Turn way up. Casually walk back to desk. Open beer. Nod at anyone who looks at you.
11 Things are starting to get good. What's that editorial assistant's name at the front of the office? It doesn't matter. She's starting to look good. Try to figure out her name. Open a beer. Think.
11:30 a.m. Think.
Noon Ask secretary if she wants to get lunch. No, you don't know her name. It doesn't matter. Does she want to get some food? There's a great Chinese cafeteria nearby. They have free wantons with lunch. No big deal. Does she want to go?
12:30 p.m. Consume free wantons alone. Screw that editorial assistant anyway. Bitch. Order Tsingtao; man that shit is good.
1 p.m. What's everyone looking at? Man, these people got to loosen up. Luckily, you've brought back some Jell-O shots. Everybody loves Jell-O shots. What? No one one wants one? What's wrong with you people?
Where's that way cool dude from sales you sometimes joke with at the urinals? His name is... Jake. Yes, definitely Jake. Where's Jake?
1:30 p.m. Find Jake.
2 p.m. Jake wants to party. Pop a few Jello-O shots. Man, these Jell-O shots are good. Jake agrees. Jake is awesome.
2:30 p.m. Everything is awesome. Turn on Sisqo on Jake's computer. Turn up speakers. Thong-Song, bring us home. Wonder aloud where all da ladyz at. Jake too is at a loss.
3 p.m. -- 5 p.m. ?
5:15 p.m. Wake up underneath Jake's desk. Jake is gone. So too is everyone. It's New Year's Eve. Time to... Is it time to, um, party? Endure brief moment of confusion.
Open a beer.
5:30 p.m. LEAVE.
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