Jose Canseco Says He Knows How to Time-Travel, and Now You Can Too!
Jose Canseco has a knack for always tweeting out interesting things to his 482,520 or so followers on a daily basis. And by "interesting," we mean "batshit nutty."
"The only way to time travel is in your dreams, subconsciously. To do this you must know how to control your dreams," Canseco wrote in this column for Vice yesterday. "For example, I constantly ask myself, "Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming?" If you condition your mind to ask that question every half hour while you're awake then, after a while, you will ask it even in your dreams. Once you get the hang of it, you'll be time traveling in no time at all."
Scientists and astrophysicist have for decades been studying black holes and worm holes and combing through the writings and formulas of Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking, searching for the keys to time traveling. But Jose Canseco tells us science and stuff ain't matter because it's all in your dreams.
My heart was broken, I was depressed all the time, and I just couldn't take the pain. Somehow I realized that the pain subsided once I entered a dream state."
When I time travel I'll see her there and literally walk up to her and kiss her; you can pretty much do whatever you want. You can even fly to different spots, zooming through the air."
I looked at [Red Sox general manager Dan Duquette] and said, "Listen, I want to play tonight." He responded with something crazy like, "If you want to play, go get me vanilla Dippin' Dots with chocolate syrup on them." I searched everywhere for the stand, and when I finally found it and bought a cup of Dots I immediately fumbled it and dropped it to the ground. I was like, "Oh my God!" but at this point I was really determined, so I kept trying until I finally got one back to Duquette without dropping it. Then he started making all of these other crazy excuses for why I couldn't play, saying, "Now I want this, and then I want that..." It was insane.
Jose does go on to warn that you can't travel to the future, and you're not allowed to change history; otherwise, you'll wake up from your dream in a weird time and place.
Sometimes I'll even tell myself, as a child, "Listen, when you get to the majors, never do steroids." Of course, that never works, because I still am where I am.
Perhaps we're all better off that Big Jose can't sway Little Jose to stay away from the juice. Otherwise, how else would we have learned the secret of time traveling? Them steroids is a wonder drug!
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.
- Proposed Law Will "Bring an End to Greyhound Racing in Florida" and Kill Jobs, Racing...
Sat., Feb. 13, 6:00pm
Sat., Feb. 13, 7:00pm
Mon., Feb. 15, 7:30pm
Thu., Feb. 18, 7:30pm
- Needle Exchange Program for Heroin Users Could Start if Law Passes
- Fort Lauderdale Will Be "More Vanilla" as Makers Square Closes Due to City Codes