LeBron James Has Pushed #TeamPetty and the Golden State Warriors to the Brink

LeBron James is not fair.
LeBron James is not fair.
Photo by A.RICARDO / Shutterstock.com

A week ago, it was all high-fives and ass-slaps for those Miami Heat fans that partake in the #TeamPetty alternative lifestyle by rooting against formerly beloved, now-hated LeBron James. Now those same people are running to CVS to refill their prescriptions. Today, the morning after watching James claw his Cleveland Cavaliers back even from a seemingly insurmountable 3-1 hole, those hands are sore from punching things, said butts fatigued from stressful clenching. 

We've seen this LeBron James before. We know what he is capable of. This does not appear to be heading in the right direction for the Golden State Warriors, nor our beloved #TeamPetty. We need a hero, and we need him this Sunday night for Game 7 of the NBA Finals. The champagne has turned sour. Stop printing those Warriors Back-to-Back shirts; we officially have a six-foot-eight-inch, 250-pound problem.

There is no more helpless feeling than being at the bottom of a hill staring up into the eyes of a LeBron James boulder rolling toward you; yet unfortunately, this is the situation in which a record number of South Florida fans finds themselves. If the Golden State Warriors don't get their shit together, and fast, Cleveland is about to hold a parade down one of their rusty-colored streets that border a lake they inexplicably refer to as "the beach."

What the rest of America has witnessed over the last two finals games is peak LeBron James. It's super-duper-Cobra-private-parts-MVP LeBron. It's Miami Heat LeBron James after he took the NZT-48 drug from the movie Limitless. Back in Miami we used to call him Video Game James, which is fitting now because it's as if he's a human cheat code and the Warriors are set on Beginner Mode. 

LeBron has dropped 82 points, 24 rebounds, 18 assists, seven steals, and six blocks in the last two games; that's just stupid. His performances throughout these NBA Finals have been enough to almost turn a member of #TeamPetty back into a LeBron James supporter. Almost

Couple the superhuman acts of LeBron James with the petulant actions of Mr. Cutie Pie MVP Trick Shot Extraordinaire Steph Curry and his adorable sore-loser conspiracy-theory-spouting-Food Network-perfect wife, and we are almost there. It's getting close. Luckily, we only need to hold on to our pettiness for one final game before we can all turn our disgust and displeasure toward the Miami Dolphins. 

Regardless of how the Golden State Warriors, or more important, #TeamPetty got here, here we are, in a do-or-die winner-takes-all situation come Sunday. You thought you could watch Game of Thrones in peace? You better record that, and Silicon Valley, because we are in for a late night of Wrestlemania-level pettiness June 19.

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