LeBron James Outduels Kobe Bryant as Heat Defeat Lakers 99-90
Whenever a showdown between LeBron James and Kobe Bryant goes down, the suddenly-not-all-that-important regular season becomes ALL IMPORTANT.
That's because Kobe apologists and Laker fans crawl out of the woodwork to remind everyone that he has RINGZZZ and is so badass he nicknamed himself Mamba.
But then there's LeBron, who may not have as many RINGZZ as Mamba at the moment but looks to be well on his way.
And last night, with his movements precise, his defense instinctive, his form flawless and graceful as it is deadly, LeBron proved that he is the best player on the planet and that Cobradick eats Mamba and shits out cookies.
For all of Bryant's amazeballs talents and god-like ability to score, the main difference between he and LeBron has always been efficiency.
That fact gets lost in Kobe's game. It's theatrical, explosive, and bombastic. Kobe's flair for the dramatic and his ability to hit shots seemingly at will makes for exciting basketball.
The fourth quarter was exhibit A, when Bryant single-handedly led the Lakers back from a nine-point deficit late in the game when by throwing down a couple of three pointers and jumpers to the delight and bloodthirsty roar of the Los Angeles faithful while making Marv Albert jizz his old-man pants on live television.
"He just needs one shot to go down, Marv," color analyst Steve Kerr quipped excitedly after Kobe hit TWO WHOLE SHOTS IN A ROW. "And he'll get hot. His confidence is tremendous [REQUISITE MICHAEL JORDAN COMPARISON]."
But then LeBron's game, which basically bludgeons his enemies in the face with a ferocious tranquility, gets chalked up to "physical specimen" by penisheads like Kerr.
Yet, it completely obliterates the myth of "hotness" with a game so precise, so surgical, the American Medical Association should look into making him an official physician.
James went 17-for-25 from the field and four-for-four from the free-throw line while dishing out eight assists and grabbing seven boards on his way to a season-high 39 points. For you NBA stat dorks, that's a +13 ballgame for LeBron. For you laymen, it's the tits.
LeBron disemboweled Meta World Peace with his jumper, which gave him space to attack the basket with impunity.
James took 13 shots within five feet of the basket and made every one of them, including a half-dozen monsterdong dunks.
Contrast that with Kobe, who made just one of five shots inside ten feet.
And when Erik Spoelstra had had enough of Bryant throwing down three-pointers, he called on LeBron to guard him.
And that's when the suddenly ZOMGER KOBE'S GETTING HOT LOOK OUT!1 nonsense met a sudden and swift demise.
All the flair and magic was snuffed out, and Kobe and the entire Laker team went scoreless for the final two and a half minutes of the game.
"On the road, when things don't always go your way, you don't have your momentum, and you don't have the confidence of your home crowd, you have to just find different ways to grind," Spoelstra told reporters after the game.
But that's a load of coachspeak horseshit.
The answer is obvious: Give it to Dr. Efficiency, Cobradick, MD, Esq. (yeah, we made him a lawyer too, because fuck it), who decimates opponents with his ferocious basketball prowess, high-fives dudes sitting in the floor seats so hard their hands fall off, and takes Jack Nicholson's scrotum for his trophy case just for the fuck of it, and get the shit out of his way.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.