LeBron James Ruined New York's Good Times
DIS WUZ SAPPOS'D TAH BE DA SUMMAH O' NEW YOAWK. DA YEAH DA KNICKS BRAWT LARRY OH BRY-YAN BACK TA DA MEKKA -- DA GAHDEN. MELO AND JAY AHH SMITH WERE GONNA RESTOAH GLOREE TA DA GREATEST CITY ON DA FACE O'DA EARF! SIMPLY BY VIRTUW OF BEIN DA KNICKS. WUTDAFUCKHAPPEN'D?
It might be hard for Knicks fans to accept, but the stark reality of basketball is this: You can't win an NBA title by just shooting three-pointers and playing mediocre defense.
Also, you can't win an NBA title when Cobradick is blowing a hole in your face.
The first half of Sunday's Heat-Knicks hoedown was simply the same as the first two losses New York handed to Miami this season -- both 20-point blowouts.
The Knicks were shooting lights out from the three-point arc, Carmelo Anthony was knocking down everything he threw up, and the Heat's offense was in shambles. Even 3,864-year-old Jason Kidd managed to creep out of his seasonlong shitslump to waylay the Miami defense.
By halftime, the Knicks had a 14-point lead, and all of New York was claiming themselves World Champions of the Universe and putting together petitions for the NBA to cancel basketball forever because the Knicks were now champions until the end of time.
But then LeBron James changed his shoes and remembered that he is a planet-demolishing superenforcer of righteous face-wrecking death machine and decided that it was enough already with these dickholes and simply took shit over.
The fun started when LeBron went up to catch an alley-oop and J.R. Smith tried to deflect the pass, like an asshole. Smith crashed into James, knocking him awkwardly to the floor.
LeBron dinged up his knee on the fall and got up gingerly. As all of Heat Nation watched with their collective nutsacks retracted into their stomachs, James walked around with a limp, trying to shake off the pain.
Then the entire Madison Square Garden crowd heard the opening drums from the music of the Terminator and collectively sharted themselves.
Knocking LeBron down. Not a wise choice.
LeBron proceeded to emasculate the Knicks by hitting a pair of cock-punching threes and playing the kind of energy- and light-sucking defense that can be seen only in the gaping maw of a newborn black hole minutes after a dying sun.
Then, with 1:38 left in regulation, LeBron grabbed the basketball, put on his Mach 12-billion afterburners, and jetted to the basket with the ferocity of a bull with a space shuttle strapped to its back. J.R. Smith was standing helplessly under the rim as LeBron flashed by him, leaving nothing but fire and brimstone in a swirling wake of face-melting heat, and laid the ball into the basket while the aftershock of his passing knocked Smith on his tattooed ass.
Then, with 25 seconds remaining and the Knicks hoping a couple of their miracle threes would bail them out from an embarrassing home loss, LeBron stole a pass, ran down the court, collected the entire Knicks roster's testicles in a bag, threw in Spike Lee's head, wrapped up the bag, and drop-kicked it into a volcano with a monster-GET-YOUR-NEW-YORK-ASSES-OUT-OF-HERE dunk, in their shitty overrated arena.
Heat 99- Knicks 93
The Heat now has won 14 games in a row and has a 7 1/2-game lead over the Knicks.
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