After dropping Game 4 to the Indiana Pacers on Tuesday, the Heat found itself in a 2-2 tie in an Eastern Conference Finals that seemed to suffocate the life out of the world champs.
Although the series was knotted up, it felt like Indiana was having its way with Miami, man-handling the Heat players at every turn and devouring them with Treebeard Hibbert under the basket.
There were no answers.
And then LeBron James showed up to a pivotal Game 5 and proceeded to punch the Pacers square in the asshole, delivering a must-win with a performance for the ages.
Here's the rundown:
1. MechaCobradick Goes Supernova
When Game 5 began, the Heat looked like five Keith Richards had taken the court. The Pacers' Roy Hibbert and Paul George had their way with them, scoring Indiana's first points and throwing Miami's hopes of winning the series face-first into a fire hydrant.
The Pacers took a four-point lead into the half, but it felt like a 30-point lead.
And then the second half happened.
And LeBron decided to run C//: run COBRADICK.exe mode.
And then he personally torched the Earth into cinders with an epic third quarter that ripped the game from the Pacers' kung-fu grip while causing the collapse of the fabric of space-time as we know it.
LeBron James is simply the inevitable destruction of all things, including seemingly insurmountable leads.
In the third, Cobradick went a sick 7-for-10 shooting, outscoring the entire state of Indiana 16-13 by himself. In that stretch, he also added four rebounds and four assists. He was literally the entire Miami Heat in one massive walking wanton killing machine.
He rarely attacked the rim but didn't have to.
While the giants of Indiana guarded the basket, LeBron unleashed his jumper from all parts of the floor, squaring up, taking his shots, and draining all but three of his attempts while blowing Lance Stephenson's face clean off with nitroglycerin he spewed from his dong.
By the time the smoke cleared, the Triple-A was filled with the smoldering corpses of Pacers strewn about the arena. And LeBron stood above the carnage, and the destruction he had wrought, and he was pleased.
2. UDJANGO UNCHAINED
Udonis Haslem has simply ripped the Pacers' assholes out of their bodies and made them into necklaces as his personal trophy.
Just as he did in Game 3, UD went medieval on Indiana with that deadly midrange jumper of his that simply refuses to burn out.
In Game 3, UD crushed Indiana, going 8-for-9.
That feeling was so the tits, he decided to do it again, this time in front of his hometown crowd. Haslem again went 8-for-9, including an Earth-cracking jam at the rim.
And when the Pacers' David West decided he was going to bully little Mario Chalmers, because that's what cowards do, UD stepped in and offered West a piece of his dick, if he was so willing to take it.
But David West knows perfectly well that Haslem can turn him into a meat grenade with one punch to the sternum, so that ended that.
Haslem has been declared dead several times already this season. But just as he did in last year's playoffs against the Pacers, he stepped up and crushed Indiana's collective testicles in his hands, reminding everyone, once again, that he is The Mayor of 305 and all points in between.
3. Birdman Takes Beaker Hansbrough's Dick: EPISODE II
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