Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria took out a full-page ad in the local papers last week titled "Letter to Our Fans" (inexplicably, that letter failed to make its way to New Times!) to explain why he and his team suck so hard. The letter was probably the most pedantic, lacking self-awareness, narcissistic trolling ever done by a team owner in the history of sports. The letter boiled down to basically blaming the media for the reason the Marlins stink and accusing the media of lying about the team's finances, with Loria taking only a small portion of the blame for the dark endless pit of sadness the Marlins have become.
So, we thought we'd come up with more ideas for Loria to further troll the fan base while thinking his ideas are totally going to smooth things over!
Middle-Finger Bobblehead Day: Know what baseball fans love more than watching actual baseball at a ballpark? BOBBLEHEADS! For some unfathomable reason, people go apeshit over player bobblehead giveaway days. But the Marlins have players on their roster no one's ever heard of. The solution is simple, Jeff. Just hand out a bobble-middle finger to each of the fans at the gate.
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Take Out Fake Ad Announcing You're Selling Team: You, Jeffrey Loria, are pretty much the biggest troll in the history of professional baseball (and this is a sport that has Ty Cobb in the Hall of Fame). What better way to troll the ever-living crap out of everyone than by taking out another ad announcing you're selling the team. Then, add some fine print at the bottom that says, "Ha. Ha. Just kidding! P.S.: I rubbed my balls on this newspaper you're holding!"
Dog Day Where Pit Bulls Are Banned: A few years ago, the Marlins held a Dog Day at the ballpark in which people brought their dogs to watch the game. The event was fairly successful and even spawned a scene in the Jennifer Aniston movie Marley & Me. How can you top this and still keep your reputation as a horrible human person intact? By having another Dog Day, only this time, NO PIT BULLS ALLOWED!
Drag World Series Trophies Around the Back of a Car in the Parking Lot, George Costanza-Style: Grab yourself a bullhorn, tie the trophies to the back of your gold-plated Lexus RS, and do some sick doughnuts in the parking lot for about an hour.
Trade Away Giancarlo Stanton: No, really. This is no joke. Trade away our budding superstar who has yet to even enter his prime — for a handful of no-name prospects and a picture frame.