Marco Rubio Won the 2012 Election, Apparently
Barack Obama won both the electoral votes and the popular vote (and he did it without Florida, which is looking like it will go to him anyway!)
Despite those things that reelected our president and will have him serve a second term, the real winner of the 2012 election was Marco Rubio. This according to famous conservative columnist/lover of baseball writings/owner of horrible toupee George Will.
As ABC News officially projected Obama the winner of the election Tuesday evening, Will quickly looked to find some silver lining, not just on the Mittbot's defeat but also in trying to scrub away the memory that just a few days ago, he declared that Willard Romney would win this sucker in a 321 electoral vote landslide.
Holy assballs, George. That's some prediction.
GOPers are adorable when they lose.
But back to the real winner of the election.
As the ABC panel began to discuss Tuesday night's outcome, Will quickly pointed out that Rubio will broaden the demographic appeal because he's Hispanic and charismatic and other stuff too.
"If there's a winner tonight, it's the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. Because all eyes are now going to be turned to him as a man who might have a way to broaden the demographic appeal of this party."
It's true! A party made up of mostly white, rich, entitled, privileged racists actually lost a minority vote in a big way.
Obama got about 71 percent of the Hispanic vote on Tuesday, and a poll by America's Voices Education Fund has Obama's Hispanic support around 58 percent in Florida. And it's looking like the president may have captured the majority of the Cuban vote, which has never been done by a Democrat.
But no worries, GOPZ. Charisma Boy! will save you!
Even though, outside of Florida, Hispanics have never heard of him ("Quien es este Chareeezma Boey??"). And even though he's had a shit time trying to sell the GOPer brand to Hispanics through inaction and towing the GOPer line.
The Conservapoops know they have a Latino problem (and we're not just talking about the help). And they also realize they got their asses handed to them -- twice -- by a black man with charisma. Hell, Rubio knows that.
So the solution is obviously to start grooming Charisma Boy! for 2016 because, hey look, he's totally Hispanic and shit, bro.
Of course, on the inside, he's a small-minded, bullshitting Conservatard like the rest of them.
But, hey, we totally congratulate Rubes on winning the 2012 election!
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.
- Seven Ways Stephen Ross Has Screwed Up the Dolphins
Sat., Oct. 17, 12:00am
Sat., Oct. 17, 10:00am
Sat., Oct. 17, 6:00pm
Wed., Oct. 21, 8:00pm
- Felony Lane Gang Caught Using Stolen ID at Same Bank Where Victim Worked
- Author Insists Jeffrey Dahmer Murdered Adam Walsh