Remember when the 2012 NFL schedule was released and everybody saw Arizona on it and were all, LOLOLOL we're so gonna win that game?
So much for that.
The Cardinals are currently one of two undefeated teams at 3-0, in first place in their division, and a solid home team. They also have Larry Fitzgerald. The Dolphins, meanwhile, are 1-2 and have Legedu Naanee.
So, yeah, totally an automatic win for us!
Ryan Tannehill versus Cardinals defense: Arizona's defense has been the main reason the Cards have been kicking people's dicks in this season. They have 12 sacks in three games and took down the Patriots and Eagles offenses.
The Dolphins have done a good job of keeping Tannehill from getting his shit kicked in, calling plenty of rollouts and playaction passes, while he's been able to use his sneaky white-boy elusiveness to stay away from sacks. Arizona Pro Bowl safety Adrian Wilson is expected to return from injury this week, which means the Dolphins will need LaMontell Pussyhammer, aka Reggie Bush, more than ever Sunday.
Bush will once again have to carry the load for Miami, which sucks because he's dinged up. Also, the Fins need to get Lamar Miller more involved and stop trying to force Vagina Feet, aka Daniel Thomas, down people's throats.
As for Tannehill, he's going to have to be mistake-free and avoid the shit-eatery he pulled against the Jets on Sunday. Can he? Will he? Against this defense, it's doubtful. But if the running game is working, it'll help.
Dolphins D versus Cards O: Kevin Kolb pretty much has one weapon to go to on offense in Larry Fitzgerald.
He also has a really suspect offensive line.
Thus far this season, the Fins' pass rush has been turtle dick.
If there was ever a time to break through the malaise, it's this game. Cameron Wake should be able to feast on left tackle D'Anthony Batiste's face, who is just a giant slab of meat with feet.
Arizona's starting right tackle, Bobby Massie, is a rookie fourth-round pick (the kind of dude Jeff Ireland would fucking KILL to draft).
So there are opportunities here for Miami's front seven to stop diddling around and get some pressure on the opposing quarterback.
This, of course, means the game will be a goddamn snooze fest. But if Miami wants to win, they need to keep it close.
Larry Fitzgerald versus Whoeverthehellwehavebackthere: Holy shitbeans the Dolphins secondary might be in trouble this week. Cornerback Richard Marshall, who is suffering from an injured back, may not suit up for this one.
Nolan The Human Penalty Flag Carroll and some dude named R.J. Stanford would have to step up if Marshall sits it out. And even if he does play, now you've got an already shitty cover corner playing with a bad back.
Assmuffins and tea for everyone.
And you might as well douse gasoline on Sean Smith and have him play with a lit cigarette in his mouth if he's going to cover Fitzgerald by himself. The Dolphins might have to consider throwing everyone they have at Larry, and letting 456-year old Todd Heap beat them. And, if you can recall, Miami doesn't have a very good history of covering opposing tight ends.
If Kolb gets time to throw in this one, prepare your anus.
Prediction Machine*: All signs point to the Cardinals Dolphin-ing this game and taking their opponent lightly. Vegas currently has them as a seven point favorite, which seems about right. But this one might come down to field goals.
With a dinged up Reggie Bush and Larry Fitzgerald blowing up asses in the secondary, however, along with the Dolphins history of fucking the horse on the road, it's tough to go against Arizona here.
Cardinals 13 - Dolphins 9
(*- it's not really a machine)
Dolphins at Cardinals, Sunday. Kickoff is 4:05 p.m.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!