Oh those Miami Dolphins and their inability to find a single quarterback worth dick in well over a decade. Sure we had Chad Pennington there for a while. But his shoulder ligaments were made of peanut brittle and so the good times were short lived. Last year Chad Henne died, so then Matt Moore stepped in and delivered a strong finish to an otherwise shittacular season against sub par opponents, and then everyone was all ZOMG WE GOTS US A QUARTERBACK TALLY-HO! But Moore is nothing but a Puppet
and a very good backup
The Dolphins will be starting former Jaguars QB David Garrard tonight. Moore will come in after that. And then The People's Choice, first-round pick rookie slinger Ryan Tannehill will come out and play. No doubt Tannehill's performance will be the most overly scrutinized tonight, and for good reason. He's the latest face of GET US THE FUCK OUT OF BEING SO SHITTY PLEASE for Dolphins fans. He's the future. He's the franchise. He's hope. He's Dr. Kickass, MD
Don't fuck this up, Doctor.
3. How Shitty Is The Secondary?:
The Dolphins lost Yeremiah Bell and Will Allen this off season, and are left with Vontae Davis, Richard Marshall and Sean Smith. Davis is too busy pissing everywhere
, and Marshall is a middling player at best. That is some seriously fucked up shit that Sean Smith is the guy everyone is hanging their hopes on.
4. Receiver-a-palooza: The Dolphins did pretty much nothing in the WR department during the draft (because Jeff Ireland is a super genius draft wiz, you see). And so now they have roughly 15 guys and Chad Johnson vying for a spot. Johnson, Davone Bess, and Legedu Nannee are listed as the front-runners. Brian Hartline and Clyde Gates are banged up and Roberto Wallace, Juilius Pruitt and Marlon Moore have a chance to HOLY SQUIRREL VAGINAS OUR RECEIVERS ARE SHIT.
5. Vanilla Is the Flavor of The Day: Whatever happens tonight, keep in mind that it's pre-season, which means the Dolphins will be keeping shit simple. What we see tonight play-calling wise won't be what we see during the regular season. And just because Garrard throws two picks against Tampa's first-teamers and Tannehill throws two touchdowns against Tampa's third-stringers doesn't mean Tannehill will be the Week 1 starter. Everything's in flux. Don't panic. Don't overanalyze. Just drink up and remember, the best way to approach the beginning of every Dolphins season is with absolutely zero expectations for success.
Supplemental: Bob Griese Drinking Game: Every time he fucks up a player's name, take a shot (you'll be shitfaced mid-way through the first quarter)
Enjoy the game, everyone. Go Fins. NO INJURIES PLEASE!
Gametime is at 7 p.m. You can watch the game on CBS4