Miami Dolphins Take Down the Bengals on the Road
The Miami Dolphins took down the Bengals 17-13 yesterday, and for a change, Fins fans are able to wake up on a Monday morning and not have that feeling like someone swung a sledgehammer to their crotch.
The Dolphins pretty much followed the five steps to victory we wrote about on Friday (it's as if they read The Pulp!) and were able to close out a tight game and come away with a tough road win.
- The Dolphins had managed to be explosive diarrhea late in games lately, either turning the ball over or giving up a last-minute touchdown or missing a chip-shot field goal or not calling a timeout to rest a gassed-up defense. So it was nice to be the ones coming up big in the end, for a change.
- Against Sean Smith, Bengals receiver A.J. Green finished the game with nine catches for 65 yards and a touchdown. That may seem like a really good day for Green, but when you consider that he was expected to leave Smith's charred remains on the field, it's considered a good day for the Dolphins secondary. Measuring the secondary this way is the best way to go about the remainder of the season.
- Ryan Tannehill finished with an efficient 223 yards passing. He didn't throw any TDs. But he didn't have to. More important, he didn't turn the ball over.
- Vagina Feet scored a touchdown? HOLY SHIT. (Ten carries for 29 yards, though. Also, he got injured. Vagina Feet Gonna Vagina Feet)
What Stupid Thing Did Omar Kelly Say Now?
If you weren't aware, the Sun Sentinel's very own contrarian superstar, Omar Kelly, has a totally fool-proof, completely quantifiable stat in determining whether a quarterback is any good or not. He calls the stat KILL. Except that it's not a stat; it's not quantifiable, and it's completely fucking meaningless, arbitrary, and stupid in every way. But because Omar loves to spray his contrarian superstar dipshittery all over you because he obviously knows more about football than us unwashed masses because he gets to see the players naked after every game, he continues to spew this nonsense on his readers.
When Reshad Jones caught the game-sealing INT yesterday, Omar immediately jumped on his Twitter machine to let everyone know that the KILL stat did not apply to Ryan Tannehill because... he... doesn't play... corner... or some thing.
Yeah, Tannehill. NO KILL STATS FOR YOU THIS WEEK, BUDDY.
Yet, when the Dolphins were down late in the first half, Tannehill completed passes of 15, 24, and 13 yards in a drive that led to Daniel Thomas' eventual touchdown to put Miami up 7-6. Then, at the start of the second half, Tannehill made a nice move in the pocket to avoid the incoming Bengals defenders and completed a 28-yard pass that set up Reggie Bush's 13-yard touchdown.
But since Tannehill didn't do any of these things in the final two minutes, the KILL card goes to Jones and the defense instead and Tannehill is just a piece-of-shit rookie playing the most overrated position in a league that is led by these overrated prima donnas.
The circular logic will make your brian die, so don't try to figure it out.
- Reggie Bush ended the day with 48 yards and a touchdown. Not a great day, but solid enough. He still may be dealing with that bum knee, but LaMontelle Pussyhammer had moments when he looked sharp and others when he looked like the pain was a bit much. Or maybe he just wanted the game to be over so he can back to his ass closet.
Enjoy Victory Monday, everyone!
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.