Miami Dolphins vs. New York Jets Preview
The New York Jets head into town this weekend for TonySparanoRevengeTour2012. Both teams come into the week at 1-1 in a four-way tie between all teams in the AFC East which very much means that the winner of this game could potentially be in first place heading into Week 4.
Both the Jets and Dolphins have each experienced Fuck Yea We're Back! games and Holy Shit We Suck Again! games in the past two weeks.
For the Jets, their week one shellacking of the Bills had everyone thinking New York had turned the corner and finally become a team with a potent offense. Then they faced a good team -- the Steelers -- and got their dicks knocked in. For Miami, they started the season getting tagged by a good team, Houston, but then obliterating the Raiders, who suck sack.
Point is, both the Jets and the Dolphins are sucky teams perfectly capable of beating suckier teams. And now they meet to try and cancel out all that sucking.
LaMontelle Pussyhammer vs. Jets Defense: Shit begins and ends with Reggie Bush, who blew up Oakland's assholes last week with a 172 yards, two touchdown performance. The Jets run defense was a bucket of shit in Week 1, allowing Buffalo's CJ Spiller to kill them with his speedy shiftiness. In Week 2, they were able to contain the Steelers backfield of Issac Redman and Jonathan Dwyer. But it seems like they have trouble with the quick guys, which Bush most certainly is. When he isn't stacking up his ass closet with more ass, Bush is running roughshod over the Jets, averaging about 6 yards per carry in his two games against them as a Fin. Look for Miami to use a lot of pitches, cutback runs and screens for LaMontelle, so he can feast on the Jets' lack of speed, and then go nail a hot lady in South Beach afterwards.
Ryan Tannehill vs. Jets Defense: Tannehill says he's excited about facing the hated rival Jets for the first time, although we're pretty sure he just literally found out they are in our division.
New York is probably going to do everything it can to force Tannehill into beating them Sunday. Darrelle Revis is expected to play in this game, teaming up with Antonio Cromartie on the other side, which means Brian Hartline won't be stuffing his chipmunk face with acorns and running amok like he did against Oakland last week. The Jets love to throw all kinds of confusing looks at inexperienced quarterbacks, so expect them to go to town on Tannehill.
Look for the Dolphins to try and get away from using their abysmal receiving corps and lean heavily on Anthony Fasano and Charles Clay, which is as an exciting duo as an itchy asshole.
It could be a long day for the rookie QB, which means this game might come down to the defense holding shit down and making it a field goal marathon, which will almost certainly make Tony Sparano's pants explode.
Nacho Sanchez vs. Chancletas: For all their shittiness, the Dolphins defense has been pretty impressive so far this year. Their run defense, in particular, has been stout. And that's good news because the Jets running game has been an extra large Big Gulp cup of old lady diarrhea so far this season. HOWEVER, the Dolphins secondary is a whole other pain in the cock.
Miami is ranked 30th against the pass -- allowing 313.5 yards through the air in the first two games. This is mainly because Sean Smith is virtually alone out there in the secondary. Also, Sean Smith has been playing like re-fried ass since the pre-season. Likewise, the Dolphins have generated basically zero pass rush this year.
With that, look for the Jets to try to run the ball a lot anyway, because Tony Sparano is a stubborn dipshit. This will give the D a bunch of opportunities to go 3-and-out and get Bush and the boys back on the field.
However, much like the Houston game where Miami had trouble scoring and got a winded defense to eventually shit the bed, the Jets will also eventually start throwing it. And while Sanchez is sub par and inconsistent, he does have a dangerous weapon in Santonio Holmes, who just seems primed to bust out for a big game against us.
Bottom line, the Dolphins hopes and dreams of starting the season 2-1 rest in the arms and legs of Reggie Bush. But, as it always is with this rivalry, anything can and will happen.
Still, we're going with the Fins in our prediction, because the Jets can go fuck themselves.
Prediction: Dolphins 16 - Jets 13
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.
- Confederate Flag Could Be Removed From Florida Senate Seal
Thu., Oct. 15, 7:00pm
Thu., Oct. 15, 7:30pm
Sat., Oct. 17, 12:00am
Sat., Oct. 17, 10:00am
- Lynn Rosenthal, Broward Judge Arrested for DUI, Resigns
- Nova Southeastern University President Begs: No Guns on Campus