Miami Heat Chokes Away Game One Against Bulls
Well now. That was a bit rough.
A depleted Chicago Bulls came into the American Airlines Arena for Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals, saw fans clad in white, watched LeBron James receive his MVP trophy, and then went on to systematically bludgeon the world champs by having Joakim Noah swing Nate Robinson around like a medieval flail into Miami's face.
It was a gutsy performance by Chicago, and one worthy of respect and admiration.
But clearly the Heat didn't help by failing to do what it does: namely, bring the ass-wreckage.
Here's what went wrong and why today sucks butt:
1. These Aren't the Fucking Bucks
The Heat pretty much steamrolled the shit out of the Milwaukee Bucks in a 4-0 sweep of the first round of these here playoffs. And even when it was busy bludgeoning the Bucks to death with a cheese brick, there were times when the Heat coasted along and allowed Milwaukee to make a game of it. Ultimately, the Heat would prevail. But now that Miami is into the second round, it's dealing with a much tougher opponent. And frankly, the Bulls being depleted is the worst fucking thing that could've happened to the Heat. There's something about a shitty depleted opponent that makes the Heat wet-fart its way through games. And on Monday night, that style of play bit it square in the dick. The Heat is going to win this series. It's just in for a dogfight.
2. What the Fuck, Chris Bosh?
Holy assrockets, Chris Bosh. What the shit is this 3-for-10 horsecockery? You had Carlos Boozer struggling and Joakim Noah in foul trouble, and you sprayed dino-shit all over the damn place. Not to mention your own early foul troubles. Nine points is unacceptable. Nine points is Joel Anthony on a hot night. Get your gangly dino ass in gear and start hitting your shots, grabbing more rebounds, and delivering slam dunks where you scream and your mouthpiece comes flying out and spittle spews onto everyone in the floor seats. No more of these 3-for-10 nights.
3. Dwyane Wade's Play Brought a Spark and Kept the Heat in the Game and O MY GAWWD WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING A THREE-POINT SHOT WITH 1:07 REMAINING ON THE CLOCK???
Not sure what in holy consecrated assholes that was about. But it was the hammer that came down on the Heat's balls and gave away Game 1 to the Bulls.
4. The Bulls' Jimmy Butler Is the Undead
The guy played every minute of games six and seven of the Nets series and again every minute of game one versus the Heat. He also did a pretty solid job defending the Cobradick while never once actually dying. Were LeBron's two first-half points a result of being guarded by a member of the Undead? Yes, very probably.
5. HEY HOW ABOUT WE HIT SOME DAMN SHOTS? COCK HATS.
Yes, LeBron was a heaping pile of giraffe shit for most of the first half. But as he does when he can't find easy access to the basket, he sliced through the defense with pinpoint passes to wide-open shooters like Shane Battier, Mike Miller, and Ray Allen, who were all brought here because these very wide-open opportunities would be presenting themselves on the regular with LeBron James on the floor. Only problem was, they were a combined 3-for-985 from beyond the arc. And while these guys will eventually find their stroke, they have little room for error now that they're down 0-1 and have lost home-court advantage. The Heat's sharp shooters are going to keep getting opportunities. They just need to stop shooting the ball like it's a sack of old-lady shit.
6. Nate Robinson Is a Leprechaun. Leprechauns Have Multiple Lives, Yes? Or Is That Just Cats?
When LeBron James smashes someone's face into the floor -- on purpose or by accident -- that someone usually dies. It's just science. Yet Robinson was able to miraculously survive having his head slammed into the American Airlines Arena floor with LeBron's ass and came out and wrecked the Heat's hopes of taking game one. Robinson has had a helluva run these last few months, and it's clear he's going to be a shitty little annoying problem in this series. Perhaps not guarding him with Ray Allen would do the trick.
7. Is This Series Over? Do the Bulls Have the Heat's Number?
Of course not. The hell kind of question is that?
8. Sorry. Geez. Calm down. I'm Just Worried.
Look, Chicago's performance was valiant and pure balls. No doubt about that. And even though every Bulls fan is an obnoxious, beer-swallowing, sausage-eating fuckstick who hasn't seen his own penis since the Reagan administration, we give many props to the Bulls and their scrappy ways. But. Fuck. That. It's a seven-game series, and the Heat has been in this position with the Bulls before and won.
No way the Heat continue to shoot bags of piss, and no way LeBron James lets this shit go down in flames.
We've only just begun.
9. One Last Thing: COBRADICK.
Game two is on Wednesday. Prepare your anus.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.