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Miami Heat Chokes Away Game One Against Spurs

Miami Heat Chokes Away Game One Against Spurs

The Miami Heat were off to a fast start in Game 1 of the NBA Finals. From the tip-off, they controlled the tempo, played strong defense, and actually hit open J's.

And then the fourth quarter happened.

And the Heat suddenly morphed into a bunch of assholes in sneakers.

And the Spurs' Tony Parker hit an impossible shot just as the shot clock expired.

And San Antonio took a 1-0 series lead.

Here's the rundown:

1. A Triple-Double Is Apparently Not Enough

LeBron James finished the night with 18 points, 18 rebounds, and 10 assists -- a triple double. And while that stat line pretty much face-explodes any other team in the NBA, against the Spurs, it's just not enough.

James was aggressive from the GO and continued to rocket-launch crisp passes to wide-open teammates and generally did that thing where he shows everyone that he's the best player on the planet.

And yet, while the first half was a clinic in efficiency and badassness, the second half was a sack of steaming cow shit.

LeBron took just seven field-goal attempts in the second half. The rest of the time, he was passing to teammates who, while hot in the first half, reverted back to shooting the basketball like it was a ziplock bag filled with piss.

The final period ended up being the worst fourth-quarter efficiency in these playoffs for the Heat. A three-possession stretch during which they turned the ball over sealed their Game 1 fate and punched us all in the collective dick.

The last player to record a triple-double in an NBA Finals loss and then go on to win the series was Larry Bird in 1986. So, there's that.

2. WHY IS CHRIS BOSH TAKING THREES??WHYHYWHYWHYHWYHWYHWYHGW????????

Everyone said Chris Bosh was going to return to his normal man-eating, spine-crushing, spittle-spewing mouthpiece-projectile flying velociraptor-self now that the Indiana Pacers were no longer bullying him.

Then Game 1 happened, and Chris Bosh is still pretty much flailing his tiny velociraptor arms about and spraying explosive dino-diarrhea all over the damned place.

Bosh ended with 13 points on a putrid 6-for-16 night. He got into foul trouble.

He grabbed a whopping five rebounds.

Tim Duncan crumpled him into a ball and punted him off a bridge.

Some say Bosh's ankle is more injured than anyone is letting on. And that might be so. Bosh has traditionally done well against San Antonio throughout his career. But in Game 1, he was pure ass.

And then there's that three-point shot he's suddenly fallen in love with.

The fuck is that about?

3. Dwyane Wade's Knee Continues to Be an Asshole

Game 1 began like this.

And that was pretty much it for Dwyane Wade, who is still very much running around with a knee that is kicking us all in the asshole.

Wade finished the night with 17 points, which is an improvement from the Pacers series, but obviously not enough.

In the fourth, Wade simply vanished into the ether, scoring 0 points and playing shitbag defense.

The good news is, he was more aggressive in this game than we've seen him in some time. He attacked the basket, looked for his shot, and played strong defense.

But, like everyone else, the fourth quarter happened, and his balls shrived up and the Spurs took advantage.

4. Bad News, Good News

The bad news is the weird 2-3-2 NBA format has completely annihilated Miami's home court advantage. Well, that and that dicksack fourth quarter.

So the Heat are going to have to win Game 2, or face the prospect of being down 0-2 and going into a place where they've traditionally shit the face for three straight games.

The good news is the Heat are nearly impossible to beat twice in a row.

The bad news is the team that has won Game 1 of the finals has gone on to win the series 70 percent of the time.

The good news is, the Heat have won two NBA championships after losing the first game (they were in this predicament last year against the Thunder).

So, time to assemble all the Big Three Powers and sack the fuck up. This is going to be a long series.

Game 2 isn't until Sunday. Tipoff is at 8 p.m.

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