The Miami Heat kicked off the 2012-12 season last night by first getting its championship rings and then by sticking a foot into the Celtics' assholes.
'Twas a glorious night indeed.
And while traditionally ring ceremony games have been a snoozer, mainly because the team getting the rings were still smelling of booze, champagne, and strippers, the visiting team would blow the champs out in their own building.
(This happened in 2006 when the Heat got its rings and lost by 44 points to the Chicago Bulls. James Posey came out onto the court with a stripper still attached to his face. True story. Look it up.).
But there would be no championship-ceremony hangover on this night. This night was all about taking care of business, beating the Celtics 120-107, and reminding the world that they had better prepare their anus.
HOLY SHIT RAY ALLEN PLAYS FOR OUR TEAM NOW
How awesome is that? And how awesome was Ray Allen coming off the bench to the roar of the crowd and a "We love Ray!" chant by the Miami faithful (DEH WORZTEST FANZ EVAARRR). Fucking Very. The answer is Fucking Very awesome. His first shot as a member of the Heat was a corner three. With the shot clock running down and the Celtics defense clamping down on him, Allen had pretty much no space to make a comfortable shot. But Jesus Shuttlesworth ain't care. He lifted off his feet, squared up, and nailed the shot, setting the tone for what would eventually be a 19-point performance (5-for-7 shooting).
Ever the classy guy, Allen greeted his ex-teammates and coaches. He also tried to greet Kevin Garnett. But Kevin Garnett is a walking dildo.
That's KG, though, right? HA. HA. HA. HA. Asshole gonna asshole.
Ray Allen is in Miami now. Deal with it.
Ain't that right, Mama Allen?
COBRADICK ALRIGHT! SHIT. CRAAAAMPPPSSS!!
Those worried that LeBron would get his ring and then fall asleep forever can shut the fuck up now. The Cobradick came to obliterate fools in the face with his massive dong. And oh what fun.
Cobradick scored 26 points.
Cobradick went 10-for-16.
Cobradick grabbed ten rebounds.
Cobradick had himself a double-double through the third quarter.
Those are enough numbers for any night, and yet, he didn't even play the whole game.
LeBron was busy swiping his cock across the court, leaving devastation and dead Celtics bodies everywhere, when he suddenly ran back to the locker room. What at first appeared to be LeBron needing to take an in-game shit was actually LeBron suffering from leg cramps. And while we've seen him destroy Boston ass with leg cramps, it was best to let his teammates handle shit the rest of the night while he rested up. It's a long season.
WTF THIS TEAM HAS NO POSITIONS!!!1!one!!
The Heat is a team sans positions. There are no centers and point guards here, only men who will cockpunch you with their basketball prowess. Chris Bosh is technically labeled a center now. But that's only because the rules say you have to list your players by positions, lest the rest of society will implode in on itself and convert our reality into an alternate universe. So better to just write down "CENTER: CHRIS BOSH" and then go do whatever the fuck you want.
And Bosh did just that. He wasn't completely efficient, but he was able to do some dino damage just the same. And it was bananas to watch. Bosh was in the paint, out of the paint, running the point, selling beer, wearing the Bernie costume. Fucker did it all last night. He spaced the floor, took his patented silky smoooove jumpers, rebounded, and blocked shots like an hungry raptor batting away a small bird.
KG, meanwhile, couldn't keep up. It looked like Bosh was being guarded by Frankenstein.
Dwyane Wade. Terminator.
Wade looks different. And we don't mean that weird haircut he's sporting now that makes him look like a Chinese woman. We mean, physically, he looks different. But in a good way. While MV3 was sloppy with his jumpshots, he moved around the rim like his younger self, hitting high-percentage shots, attacking the rim like a rabid teenaged boy would a pair of breasts, and making a mockery of Boston's once-undaunted defense in the paint.
When James left the game, this became Wade's team. And he was able to keep shit together even as the Celtics made their patented DOUCHE NEVER DIEZ run toward the end.
In the end, Wade was so awesome, he annoyed the shit out of Rajon Rondo, and Rajon Rondo tried to clothesline him because Rajon Rondo is a turtle penis.
Rajon Rondo, turtle dick.
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