On Friday, the Indiana Pacers took Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals in a 97-93 win against the Miami Heat.
While LeBron James poured in 36 points, and was a one-man basketball avalanche, his teammates' play could only be described as refried ass.
Things were tense leading up to Sunday night's pivotal Game 3. The Pacers had taken homecourt, had man-handled Miami to play their style of grind-and-shit basketball, and had all the world believing that the Heat had finally met their demise (even though it was only the second loss for the Heat in these playoffs and that the series was literally tied 1-1).
So, Game 3 came.
And LeBron James decided to feast at the low post. And his teammates finally went supernova with their offense. And the result was a
144 114-96 thrashing of the Pacers, and a 2-1 series lead.
Here's how they brought the ass-wreckage:
1. MechaCobradick Has Discovered Plutonium
Make no mistake. LeBron James has been an absolute sledgehammer throughout this entire series thus far. Problem is, after the Heat dropped Game 2 to the Pacers, which included two bad turnovers by LeBron at the end, people (i.e.: the media and the haterz) have forgotten just how he has been a one-man runaway freight train to the entire city of Indianapolis' balls in this series.
And then Game 3 happened.
LeBron remembered that he is the physical embodiment of God's wrath in the post.
And then he remembered that Paul George is literally two sizes smaller than he is.
And so, with great vengeance and furious anger, LeBron brought annihilation, death, and chaos to the Pacers collective dicks by cleaving the earth with his post game all night long.
The result: a 22-point onslaught that left Indiana a heaping smoldering pile of mush.
When James is devouring opponents in the post like he was Sunday night, you might as well drop a bowling ball onto your crotch, because shit is at an end.
James is an unmovable piece of granite under the basket. An unmovable granite who can back a defender down by sheer will of force and either send a dart of a pass to an open teammate, or gracefully kiss the basketball off the glass for two.
Problem has been that when defenders have collapsed on LeBron, and he's kicked out passes, his teammates replaced the basketball with wet cats and thrown wet cats at the basket.
This why Game 1 came down to the wire, and why Game 2 was a freshly baked shitpie of a loss.
But when it works, it's devastating.
As was the case in what came down as pretty much the most efficient first half of post-season basketball the Miami Heat has ever thrown down.
With Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and the other role players, such as Udonis Haslem. Mario Chalmers, and Chris Andersen, hitting their shots, the Heat shot 62.8 percent from the floor in the first half, hanging 70 points on the entire basketball watching world's asses.
As soon as LeBron decided he was going to obliterate the Pacers defense from the post, and his teammates finally began to hit their shots, Game 3 became a blowtorch to the Pacers' face.
No doubt Indiana will counter in Game 4 by doubling up when James gets under the basket. But that's when they'll have to contend with his surgical, ridiculous passes to people like Bosh and Wade.
Would you rather have a rocket launched into your asshole, or a battle axe shoved in there?
(h/t to @ChrisRMachado)
2. Udonis: UNCHAINED
It's always fun to watch a once-thought dead Heat player emerge from the cavernous maw that is a career dipped in the cesspool of mediocrity, and thoroughly nut punch the opponent with pure awesomeness.
Game 3 belonged to Udonis Haslem who, before Sunday, had scored a whopping total of three points in the series, and who we were so fed up with, we began tweeting at him in spanish because he was sucking so hard.
I love you, UD. But, no mas. No mas UD.
— Chris Joseph (@byChrisJoseph) May 25, 2013
Yet Sunday came, and UD reminded everyone that you just can't keep a guy with the entire state of Florida tattooed on his back who happens to have a solid mid-range rainbow jumper down for too long.
Also, he reminded everyone that Pitbull can eat a bag of nutty shit, because Udonis Haslem is the actual MR. 305.
Haslem went 8-for-9 in Game 3, which is absurd and awesome all at the same time.
The Pacers, like everyone else, just assumed the Heat were Weekend At Bernie's-ing UD, so they left him alone out respect for the dead.
But he could not miss. And while his jumper still looks like someone shot him in the arm pit with a BB gun just as he releases the basketball, it still fell bottoms-up-all-net.
Udonis Haslem simply brought his badassery, buckled down, and proceeded to kick the Pacers in the balls with enough force to crack a coconut, and then chewed on his mouthpiece like a piece of licorice.
Udonis Haslem likes the way the doubters die.
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