Miami Marlins Think You're Fat and Stupid
The Miami Marlins ganked money from Miami-Dade County, putting them billions of dollars in the hole until the end of time; sold off their best players; tried to sue their own season-ticket holders; and have an owner who's arguably the biggest douche in all of sports.
But they really, really want you to come to their games, and they're gonna give you a butt-ton of free food if they have to.
Because fuck you, Marlins fan.
The Marlins are offering tickets via Groupon with which you can buy opening-day seats for just 45 bucks and vouchers and free tickets for an additional game if you purchase opening-day tickets.
This is in addition to All You Can Eat Mondays, where you can stuff your facehole with all the concessions you wish if you buy the $22 tickets in Vista Reserved or $32 in Legends Silver sections.
Will all the free tickets and sodium-soaked goodness get people to come to games?
Do the Marlins give a shit?
Of course not.
Whatever the outcome in attendance this year -- and it will be bleak -- Jeffy Loria and his Hobbit son-in-law are still going to walk away rich men, thanks in large part to the MLB being the most shit-run pro sports league in the world.
The Marlins are still going to rake in the straight-cash-homie thanks to revenue sharing getting upped via TV deals as well as having Harvey McWhothefuckisthat playing second base.
And no doubt Hobbit Samson will come out and spin this as something that's positive and neat and wonderful.
But we all know how Samson really feels about Marlins fans.
And now, we can see what they think of fans' intelligence: Field a shit team, sure. But free food AND THEY'LL COME IN DROVES.
Congratulations, Marlins fans. Your team sees you as fat and stupid.
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