Wake up this morning and the consensus is that Mittington Willard Romnom RoboRomney Mittbot won the first presidential debate over Velvet Thunder Barack.
Most pundits on Twitter and your mother agree. Romney was feisty, aggressive, kind of a dick, and on the offense.
Meanwhile, Obama was a big giant fart sound.
But if these things are measured in style (they are!), and if they decide elections (they don't!), then something is crazy with the Cheese Whiz.
Because while Romney was more animated and energized, he was also filled with horseshit of epic proportions. You would need several dozen dump trucks to come in and haul away all the horseshit Romney spewed out of his mouth last night. It's like he's part of the mutant X-Men, and his superpower is spewing horseshit out of his mouth.
The Horseshittery:
- Romney claimed that under his plan -- to reduce tax rates by 20 percent while eliminating tax deductions in order to pay for it -- the wealthy would be paying the same, no change, no reduction in what they're already paying. Yeah, uh, this is what scientists would call HORSESHIT.
Under Mittbot's plan, those who earn $200,000 or more would see a tax cut. Everyone else would see their taxes increase. This narrative of Romney rewarding the rich by fucking the poor is out there for a reason. Because unless Romney farts out money, his claim is mathematically impossible.
But, hey, horseshit > math, apparently.
- Obama clearly came in with a plan: Talk about how Romnom's plan to stimulate the economy includes a huge whopping tax cut totaling $5 trillion, even though that is also mathematically impossible seeing how Mitt would have to spend in other places too (unless, of course, he is able to fart that money, as mentioned above).
Romney's been touting this for 18 months.
But when he was called on it by Obama on national television, he was suddenly all, "WHHHAAA?? I NEVER SAID THAT!!! WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR INFORMATION FROM LOLOL"
"First of all, I don't have a $5 trillion tax cut," Mitt said. He then cited "six other studies" that show how his magical unicorn vagina plan would work. And, of course, that too is HORSESHIT.
The studies he cited actually do not provide much evidence that Romney's proposal would work without making big cuts everywhere else or, as Gov. Romney has put it for 18 months [except for that one time everyone was watching]: "Cutting $5 trillion."
But let's make up "studies" that "support" the horseshit I'm vomiting because... LOOK AT MAH HAIR!
- Romney played the DEATH PANELZZZZ card last night, saying that under Obamacare, there would be a board of people telling you what kind of treatment you're going to receive.
/evil laugh
He brought this up a few times, even after Obama bothered to wake up and correct him.
Death panels. Boards telling you what kind of treatment you can have.
*clears throat*
.....
There are no "death panels" or any other panels of the kind Romney describes.
- Romney also said Obamacare has been a job murderer. HORSESHIT.
- Romney claimed Obama has added to the debt more than all the presidents ever combined. HORSESHIT.
- Romney claimed he'll add 12 million jobs over the next four years if you elect him. Sounds awesome, right? It does. And it is. Except that the economy as it stands now is already expected to add that many jobs anyway. SO! MUCH! HORSE! SHIT!
Overall, if the debate was judged on style, performance, and total unequivocal horseshittery, Romney won, hands down.
Maybe Obama's lackluster performance could be explained by him being all, "I'm a politician, and even I can't believe the amount of horseshit coming out of Romney's mouth."
Perhaps Obama was horseshit-stunned and couldn't recover.
Either way, he should be better prepared for the next debate. And here's a tip for the president for the next go-round: When Romney opens his facehole, just say, "HORSESHIT."
Obama: Uh, excuse me, Jim. Can I say something?
Jim Lehrer: Go ahead, Mr. President.
Obama: HORSESHIT.
Jim Lehrer: Gov. Romney, rebuttable.
Romney: I uh...
Obama: HORSESHIT.
Romney: Well, you see...
Obama: HORSE. SHIT.
Romney: This president is going to...
Obama: Mitt.
Romney: ...
Obama: Mitt.
Romney: ...
Obama: Mitt.
Romney: WHAT?
Obama: *whispers* horseshit.
Romney: ...
Obama: Nah, just kidding. Go ahead. It's your turn.
Romney: Uh... Anyway... as I was saying... this presid...
Obama: Horseshit!
See how that works, Mr. President?
It really is that simple with Romney, who came with well-coifed hair, big smile, smug grin, and being a dick toward the spineless moderator and won the debate by spraying buckets of horseshit on America without giving a single specific plan on how he's going to do all the magical things he promises.
Well, he did give us one specific plan. He's going to have Big Bird fired.
Follow @NewTimesBroward
