Morning Juice: Florida Schools Pass Third Grade, Union Wants Choking Principal to Stay Awake, Rival Gangs Stay in School

Morning Juice: Florida Schools Pass Third Grade, Union Wants Choking Principal to Stay Awake, Rival Gangs Stay in School

Wake up, kids, you got a C!

Florida Schools Just Good Enough to Advance to Next Grade

Florida has the tenth-best schools in the country, according to this study by Education Week. Now I'm no expert in cross-state rivalries, but I'd guess this might be the first time Florida has fallen behind Georgia and West Virginia in anything aside from per capita toothless smiles.

I'm kidding, Georgia and West Virginia hillbillies, and the truth is, we've all got to be ecstatic about Florida's C-plus ranking in the study. I'm not sure if times have changed in school, but back in my day, we called a C-plus the green light to go on to the third grade. Yay, Florida! We've got schools that are the equivalent of a teacher passing on the just barely not dumb kid to the next grade!

After the jump, you'll find more school news, including rival gangs in the same class, a principal accused of choking, and other stories that would make great sitcoms on Fox.

Union Wants Principal Ousted, Ignoring Fear of Him Falling Asleep

The Broward Teachers Union wants the principal accused of choking his wife ousted from his job. The school district says Falcon Cove Middle School's Mark Kaplan can keep his job; his wife, afterall, isn't pressing charges, saying Kaplan has a sleep disorder and is often a total dick during the night. That's not good enough for the union, though, which wants an investigation and Kaplan sent home in the meantime.

I just hope the union realizes who they're messing with. All Kaplan has to do is fall asleep. They wouldn't like Mark Kaplan when he's asleep.

Rival Gangs Apparently Agree On One Thing: Staying In School

Palm Beach County moved around some students recently to ease overcrowding, and, whoops, may have put two rival gangs under one roof. This story on Channel 12's website explains:

Specifically affected: teens living in the Casa Del Monte apartments and across the street at the Palo Verde apartments, where neighbors tell us two feuding gangs live.

The story doesn't specify the gang names, so I'm going to make them up. The rival gangs will now be called the Casa Del Monte Motherfuckers and the Palo Verde Doilies. One is clearly tougher than the other.

Channel 4 Exclusive Not As Good As Falcon Cove's Student Newspaper

Channel 4 helped me out with this education-themed blog by posting this story about high school seniors waiting to find out if they got into college. Sure, you might say that it's an absurdly pointless story that's no different than any other year. And you might follow that up by pointing out that the Falcon Cove Middle School student newspaper could do better groundbreaking reporting. But then, you'd be forgetting that us viewers went to C-plus ranked schools.

Drug Tests to Begin in Palm Beach, Too Late to Help Me

And wrapping up the school news today, Palm Beach County will spend $198,000 on drug testing for students. Personally, I support this, because if this happened back when I was in school, then maybe I would've stopped using that stuff that sort of kept me from advancing to the fourth grade.

-- Eric Barton

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