Morning Juice: Jeb Rebukes Our Advances, Principal Okayed to Choke Wife, Homebuilder to Have Barack Affair
He loves only one man.
Jeb Rebukes Our Advances Again, Makes Us Want Him More
Jeb Bush says he won't run for the Senate, once again reinforcing the state's one-way love affair with W.'s little brother. And doesn't it just make you want him more?
Yes, Jeb has always played hard to get with the Phallic State. Remember those post-hurricane press conferences? He wore his reading glasses and an attitude that implied our little hurricane problem has pulled him away from something important. And the 2000 election debacle? His comments to the media had the air of a lover unimpressed with our new teddy.
So then comes yesterday, when he says: "Now is not the right time to return to elected office." Not even a headache excuse. And for that, god damn do we want him in the Senate even more, his air of indifference filling the seat like a fat man on Airtran.
Fine, Jeb, we'll learn to love Senator Manny Diaz. Is that what you want?
After the jump, discover other ways love can hurt.
Sleep Disorder Blamed On Choking Incident, Giving Me An Idea
The principal of Falcon Cove Middle School in Weston will keep his job even though cops say he tried to choke his wife. Turns out it was just a sleep disorder that caused Mark Kaplan to start choking his wife in the middle of the night. Kaplan's wife says it's no big deal really -- her husband has routinely woken up and poked, scratched, or threatened to stab her. Which could explain all that crazy shit that happens at Falcon Cove during nap time.
Homebuilder Picked to Have Love Affair with Obama
Cynthia Russell, a homebuilder from Florida, was selected by the Obama camp to attend the inauguration. Her name was picked in a lottery that totally reminds me of that one part in George Orwell's 1984. Just the same, I'm still hoping for a Hollywood-style ending where Barack totally digs Russell, but because this is a romantic tragedy, she's actually in love with Jeb Bush.
Foreclosures Hit Crazy-High Number, Jeb Hopefully to Make Us Copy of His Key
Home foreclosures have topped 100,000 in South Florida, ending our love affair with a little thing called home ownership. Luckily, I'm planning to move in with Jeb Bush. If only he'd return my phone calls.
-- Eric Barton
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.