Nine Reasons Green Bay Packers Fans Are the Worst
photo: Mike Morbeck via Wikimedia Commons
The 2014 Miami Dolphins season is well underway! And while lots of other websites will be breaking down each game and listing reasons why the Dolphins will or won't win while analyzing players, coaches, and match-ups against their respective opponent week to week, we won't.
Not us. Not here. Instead, we're focusing on why every week's opponent has the worst fanbase in all of the NFL.
This week, the 2-2 Dolphins are set to play the Green Bay Packers on Sunday at SunLife Stadium.
Here are nine reasons why their fans are the worst:
Jeramey Jannene via Wikimedia Commons
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9. Because They Love to Pretend Their Stadium Is Some Hallowed Ground of Football When It's Just an Outdated Toilet Hole Packers fans -- and to some extent the national media -- love to act like Lambeau Field is some sacred hallowed ground on par with Gettysburg or Graceland.
Lambeau has, for some reason, been lauded as sacred football ground based purely on the fact that it's an old stadium. It's small, it's cramped, and it sits in the middle of one of the coldest towns in winter. Yet Lambeau is constantly shoved down our throats as the greatest place on Earth for football to be played. Sure. If your idea of great is trying to watch a football game surrounded by drunk, overweight slovenly mongoloids while sitting on a frozen iron bar for a seat. It's the last remaining stadium in the NFL with bleachers. Bleachers! Your ass both becomes numb from the pain and gets frostbite. Double awesome! Lambeau Field is a toilet hole of a stadium that was built in the 1950s... and still looks like it. Yet Packers fans will insufferably keep referring to it as the Frozen Tundra, because they're morons.
8. Because They Wear Cheese on Their Heads Without a Hint of Irony Football fans, in general, can look pretty silly when they dress up. But still, there's something to be said about Raiders fans who don Darth Vader helmets or football helmets with spikes on them. Or Steelers fans who wear construction-worker hats. Hell, even some Bucs fans dress up like pirates on Sundays. And then there are Packers fans, who wear a slab of cheese on their heads.
There's nothing less menacing than when you have a piece of food as the symbol of your football badassness. Yet, there go Packers fans, with cheese on their heads. Even the term "cheesehead" sounds like an insult. But they wear these ridiculous things with pride. In 1919, when the team was formed, it was named after a meat-packing plant, so it's not even historically accurate.
7. Because Wisconsinites Are the Dullest People on Earth You ever met someone from Wisconsin? They're interminably uninteresting. Wisconsinites are the Cosby sweater of America. They're vanilla flavored, You've Got Mail-watching, Christopher Cross-listening walking dialtones. Wisconsin has a county called Door. Can you think of a more boring thing for a county to be named after? The state beverage is milk. If you ever want to kill yourself but don't have the nerve to do it, spend 15 minutes with someone from Wisconsin. Want to know the Packers' chant during games? It's "Go Pack! Go!" It's the height of boring chants, which shouldn't come as a shock to anyone.
6. Because They're Entitled Assholes Packers fans are insufferably entitled. This is due to the fact that the Packers are the first team to ever win a Super Bowl. And... well that's pretty much it. Along with their love for their craphole of a stadium, they also love bringing up Vince Lombardi, who may have been a great coach but was an ornery asshole -- a precursor to people like Nick Saban. The Super Bowl trophy is named after him, which only inflates Packers fans' already-bloated egos.
Packers fans will have you believe their team has a rich history of winning, yet their team is constantly getting trounced in the playoffs. Oh sure, they're really good in the regular season but always seem to shit the bed once they get to the postseason. Yet Packers fans will have to believe their franchise is more important than yours because their longtime dead coach's name appears on the Super Bowl trophy that they constantly fail to win.
5. Because They're a Bandwagon Fanbase Everywhere you look, you see dudes in Aaron Rodgers jerseys and women in A.J. Hawk jerseys. Packers fans seem to be everywhere. But there's no way all these Packers fans are from Green Bay. It's mathematically impossible. Green Bay is one of the smallest towns in America, yet there are roughly a billion Packers fans. Where did they all come from? Why did people who have never even been in the state of Wisconsin choose the Packers as their team? This is a complete mystery.
Photo by Chief Mass Communication Specialist Eric Durie via Wikimedia
4. Because They've Deified One of the Most Insufferable Quarterbacks in the History of the Game for No Real Reason Brett Favre is the most overrated quarterback in the history of the NFL. Yet Packers fans treat his existence as if he were the football Messiah. Sure Favre had his moments, he has a strong arm, and he even managed to win a Super Bowl. And yes he owns the record for most touchdown passes thrown in a career, but that's only because he played until he was roughly 57 years old. Anyone can throw the most touchdowns if they flat-out refuse to retire.
He also holds the record for most consecutive games started by a QB. But that's because he was addicted to painkillers. Know what else he's done more than any other quarterback? Thrown interceptions. That's right. Football Jesus threw the ball to the other team more than anyone else in the history of the game. And then there was his annual will he retire?/won't he retire? bullshit. Every year, Favre would hold the football-watching nation hostage with his indecision over retiring or not. Also, he has a small pecker.3. Because of This Guy
2. And... This Guy.1. And yup... This Guy
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