Nine Reasons New England Patriots Fans Are the Worst

Nine Reasons New England Patriots Fans Are the Worst
Photo by Michele Eve Sandberg

The 2014 Miami Dolphins' season almost over. And while lots of other sites will be breaking down each game and listing reasons the Dolphins will or won't win while analyzing players, coaches, and match-ups against their respective opponent week to week, we won't.

Not us. Not here. Instead, we're focusing on why every week's opponent has the worst fan base in all of the NFL.

This week, the 7-6 Dolphins are set to play the division-rival New England Patriots on Sunday at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro.

Here are nine reasons their fans are the worst:

See also: Nine Reasons New York Jets Fans Are the Worst

Nine Reasons New England Patriots Fans Are the Worst
Michele Eve Sandberg

9. Because so much... douche There's the Southie accent. The subtle racism. The rudeness. The taunting. The loudness. The insistence in calling everything wicked. Those are all douchey things. And then there's the heartless, degenerate decision to taunt an opposing player's dead brother.

In 2013, Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Torrey Smith's little brother died in a tragic motorcycle accident. Months later, the Ravens played the Patriots in the AFC Championship game. The Ravens won, and Patriots fans, being the classy, gracious mongoloids they are, they decided to tweet horrible things to Smith about his dead brother.

Here's an example: "Hey, Smith, how about you call your bro and tell him about your wi--- ohhhh. Wait. #TooSoon?"

Unfunny AND abhorrent.

Smith handled it as well as anyone in that situation could, though he quickly realized what the rest of the world already knows. Patriots fans are douches.

8. Because They Don't Actually Like Tom Brady

Or the Patriots, for that matter. Don't be fooled by all the blue jerseys and the professed love for Bill Belichick. This fan base is ALL about the Red Sox. Always have been. Always will be. This is why they played in Foxboro Stadium for so long and why they almost built Gillette Stadium in Hartford, Connecticut. Because no one truly gives a shit. The only reason Patriots fans are still prevalent is because the Patriots are still good. When Brady retires and Belichick moves on, watch how many of them mysteriously dissipate into the ether.

On top of that, this is the same fan base that was calling for its three-time Super Bowl champion and future Hall of Fame quarterback to be traded a couple of years back. This actually happened. En masse. And every time the Patriots are inevitably bounced from the playoffs, the fans take to WEEI to complain that Brady is too involved in his marriage with Gisele. HOW DEH-AH HE WANT TAH LIVE THA MAREEED LIFE! WE NEED TAH TRAYDE HIM FOAH PLAYAH THAT'S FOOTBAWWL TWENTEE FOAH SEVEN AND WHITE!

Also, Tom Brady is a Yankees fan LOLOLO


Nine Reasons New England Patriots Fans Are the Worst
Michele Eve Sandberg

7. Because They're Obnoxiously Fatalistic This is a team that has made the playoffs just about every season for the past two decades. They've won three Super Bowls, have one of the better quarterbacks, and are generally contenders to win it all every season. Yet they bitch about Brady not being good enough or Belichick not surrounding Brady with enough talent and start openly wondering if they should both go.

Spoiled fatalistic douchenozzles.

6. Because This Guy Roots for Them
5 . Because of This Guy
4. And This Guy
3. Because They Think Their Fans Are Better Than All Other Fans



Nine Reasons New England Patriots Fans Are the Worst

2. Because Their Sports Are Historically Rooted in Racism

The Boston Red Sox became the last major league team to integrate. One of their African-American managers got fired for exposing racist harassment within the organization. And there's, of course, Bruins fans tweeting racist things at black hockey player P.K. Subban.

The racism is so prevalent, the Patriots inadvertently retweeted a Pats fan with the handle IHATENI**ERS.

Bobby Orr (BAWWWBEEE OHAAHH), Ted Williams, Larry Bird, Tom Brady (TAWWMEE BRAYDEEE), Curt Schilling: all Boston sports legends. All white. Even one of their greatest Red Sox players ever, David Ortiz, is overshadowed by a very white Dustin Pedroia. Go to any Sox game and you'll see more Pedroia jerseys than Ortiz jerseys. Boston fans will tell you it's because Pedroia represents the blue-collar mentality of Boston -- the gritty, scrappy, overachiever. But it's because he's white. They pulled this same shit when Wes Welker was a Patriot. They had Randy Friggin Moss on that 2007 16-0 squad. But, nope, it was all about WES FACKIN WELLKAHHHH. Because, white.

1. Because They're Entitled Douchebags Even before all the Super Bowls, Patriots fans were an entitled bunch. This was in large part due to the Red Sox's so-called curse and 86-year World Series drought. But mostly, it's because of the douche. The Curse entitled them to declare that no fan base has ever suffered more than them, which means that no fan base deserves a winner more than them, completely ignoring that other fan bases have been in far longer championship droughts and that, really, no fan base is more deserving than another.

And yet...


Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph. Follow Chris Joseph on Twitter

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