Obama Wins Third and Final Debate With Horses and Bayonets
Round three of the presidential debates was last night. And people who went in expecting to have their asses blown off with the two candidates going at each other for a final climactic showdown were mildly disappointed.
No asses were blown off here, unfortunately.
The main take-aways from the debate: Mitt Romney doesn't know where Syria is, neither candidate talked about Cuba in a FOREIGN POLICY DEBATE, and the Internet LOVES a good meme.
Everyone mount up on their horses and grab a bayonet!
Let's recap this sucker!
- Romney wants us to forget about China and focus instead on South America
"The opportunities for us in Latin America, we just have not taken advantage of fully. As a matter of fact, Latin America's economy is almost as big as China. Latin America is huge opportunity for us. Time zone, language opportunities."
Romnon wants us to forget about them China people and instead focus on South America! Because of SPANISH! Also, TIMEZONES!
- The Cold War's been over for twenty years
"Governor, when it comes to our foreign policy, you seem to want to import the foreign policy of the 1980s, just like the social policies of the 1950s, and the economic policy of the 1920s."
Obama didn't just stop there. The president reloaded his sock full of pennies and smacked Romney in the face with, "I know you haven't been in a position to actually execute foreign policy, but every time you've offered an opinion, you've been wrong."
Case in point: In this very debate, Romney called Syria Iran's route to the sea.
Except that, no.
- We're talking about the Middle East and you're being a meanie pants!
"We're talking about the Middle East... and attacking me is not an agenda."
THIS IS NO TIME TO CALL ME OUT ON MY LIES AND HORSESHIT TO PROVE TO AMERICA I'M UNFIT FOR OFFICE, DAMMIT.
- Horses and Bayonets!
No doubt the line of the night came with Obama's "horses and bayonets" line. Romney used a talking points argument that the Navy has the fewest ships since 1917 which, is not only HORSESHIT, it's really not that big a deal even if it was. Obama's retort was classic Velvet Thunder, saying, "Well governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets."
Of course, the GOPers tried to jump all over that line and were all "AHA BUT THE MARINES STILL USE BAYONETS, BRO! DERRRRP HERRRRPPP!!"
Yes. A fine point. Except that Obama did not say "we don't use bayonets." He said "We have fewer bayonets." (emphasis mine, for the derps).
Obama went on to explain that aircraft carriers have planes on them, and we have ships that go underwater called submarines and the wheels on the bus go round-and-round-round-and-round-round-and-round. Because Mitt is a moron, you see.
After getting his shit kicked in during the first debate, Barry bounced back nicely and took home debates two and three. And the recipe was always a simple one: Call Willard out on his lies, lies and horseshit and lies, and show some gusto. Velvet Thunder style.
HORSES AND BAYONETS, Y'ALL!
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.