Obama Would Beat Up Romney in a Fistfight, According to Poll

With all the trash-talking and name-calling that goes on during presidential elections, it's high time we go back to the way these things were settled according to what we learned from watching Martin Scorsese's Gangs of New York: with fisticuffs.

That's exactly what Esquire magazine and Yahoo! News set out to do when they commissioned Langer Research Associates to conduct a poll asking likely voters who would win in a fistfight between Barack "Velvet Thunder" Obama and Mitt "RoboRomney" Romney.

Arbitrary and childish, you say?

Hey, we're living in the country that invented the Choco Taco, so we can do whatever we damn well please!

According to the poll, 58 percent said Obama to 22 percent for Romney. Twenty percent had no opinion, with an error of plus or minus 4 percentage points.

Asked to place a wager on the hypothetical fight, the people polled made Obama the odds-on favorite with 57 to Romney's 21 percent among likely voters.

The tale of the tape should be fairly obvious.

  • Obama has a wingspan advantage and the athleticism to stick and move.
  • Obama's lanky build would also allow him to move about the ring with greater ease.
  • Romney's stiffness would definitely be a liability.
  • Romney's one advantage is that he'd fight dirty, although he'd be hurt by wanting to use an upper cut but then change his mind midpunch and try to go for a jab instead, and then change his mind again.

The poll doesn't specify if it'd be just a straight-up fistfight or with gloves or like one of them old-timey bare-knuckle boxing matches. 

We'd like to see these pollsters conduct a poll on who would win between Obama and Romney in a fight inside Thunderdome with nothing at their disposal but a trident and a deli slicer. 

We don't mess around here on the Pulp. We deliver what the people want. 

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