Only In S.Fla Wknd Post: The Zombie Rapist Cop And Elvis' Jet Control Problem
Davie Police Officer Stephen Kenneth Olenchak stands accused of drugging his wife and a teenaged girl so he could then rape the girl while his wife was zonked out. The happens after the they all watched Big Love on HBO (this is impossible to make up).
It's sort of like he was directing his own porn take-off of Night of the Living Dead, only without any trace of the brains part
. And he's all mad in the mug shot, like he's the one who got drowsy and mute before being raped from behind (as the Miami Herald put it ). A little of that might be in his future if he's convicted, though. If there's one thing worse than being a child-rapist in prison, it's being a child-rapist who also happens to be a cop.
Olenchak's not nearly as pretty Latin singer Elvis Crespo. But Elvis had his own bad week when he was caught masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. After the incident, the Pulp obtained a song, or poem actually, that Elvis wrote about the experience. He hopes it will make people understand his rather disgusting compulsion. I frankly find it childish and don't think it will help his cause at all, but the text follows after the jump, along with a some Crespo music to help it come alive.
The pilots power up the engines
Until they start to scream.
The jet speeds down the runway
Like a racer's dream.
The clouds outside the window
Make it look like rain.
I got a crazy idea,
I'm gonna masturbate on this plane.
When we get liftoff,
My stomach rises to my throat.
The craft just keeps going skyward
Until it seems to float.
I reach down to unbuckle the seatbelt
And realize the itch hasn't waned.
There's no doubt about it
I'm gonna masturbate on this plane
People are everywhere
In the aisles and the seats.
There's a real hot-looking woman
In headphones next to me.
I know I shouldn't do it,
This is all a crying shame.
But damn I'm already at it,
I'm masturbating on this plane!
This blanket's not really hiding it,
Everyone probably thinks I'm a jerk.
Even the woman with the headphones
Looks a little irked.
But it feels so good seven miles high,
I see no reason for any blame.
I'm not hurting anyone,
I'm just masturbating on a plane.
The flight attendant wheels up her cart
And tells me it's a sin.
I just ask her to make sure
She leaves a good napkin.
You see I have fine manners,
I would never leave a stain.
I'm a good man, a singing star,
And I just masturbated on a plane.
After we land in Miami,
The police have a lot of gall.
They ask me if I groped myself,
I say I don't recall.
Now the whole world's talking about it,
The Internet's a big huge pain.
You'd think it was an international incident,
But it was only masturbating on a plane.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.