The local personalities, egos, and public figures who swung through the news cycle this week, ranked by New Times' crack research department using a highly scientific algorithm (i.e., charting the hip jiggles of the 4 p.m. early-bird dancers at King of Diamonds).
5. U.S. Rep. Patrick Murphy. Just for not being Allen West.
4. Broward Judge John "Jay" Hurley. Judges see a lot of weird crap. But props to Broward's Hurley for leveling common sense at a batshit situation. Stripper Arlene Mena was arrested after pulling some weird moves on A1A in Hallandale Beach involving a tossed traffic cone and other disorderly conduct. In court, Mena claimed she was just unleashing some performance art. Hurley didn't buy it. "I suggest not wearing boots and doing artwork in the middle of a roadway," he quipped, according to the Sun Sentinel. "I would start right there and everything will start looking up for you."
3. YOLO's Tim Petrillo. Hip-hop big-timer Drake -- or, as he'll forever be known to us, "the muthafucka most likely to have a gateway to Narnia in his closet AKA the Michael Buble of Rap" -- has taken to Twitter to talk tough about other people using "his" motto, "YOLO." But as our Clean Plate Charlie points out, Young Playtex didn't research his trademarks. Turns out, YOLO, the restaurant in Fort Lauderdale, had the TM on the phrase before rap's saddest star could shed his first tear of regret. Cut the check.
1. Alabama fans (tie). Spotted: White males, ages 20 to 35, poolside at the Days Inn, North Miami Beach; #3 replica jerseys; shotgunning Natty Ice "for Bear"; surprised at the number of Cracker Barrels outside the SEC; uncomfortable around Spanish speakers and non-chain restaurants; testicles out.
1. Notre Dame fans (tie). Spotted: White males, ages 35 to 50, bar of the Marriott Biscayne Bay; Tommy Bahama buttondowns; frequent toasts misquoting Yeats and the Gospel of John; "Rudy"; peeling skin; surprised at how close Miami is to Naples; "Brady"; uncomfortable around Spanish speakers and SEC fans.
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