Republicans and Their Love Children (I Can Has Contraceptive?)
Over the weekend, the New York Post's Page Six reported that Marc Leder (yes, that Marc Leder, the one who threw the "47 percent" fundraiser for Mittington at his Boca pad) has fathered a secret love child.
Now, this shouldn't come as much of a surprise. For one, Leder absolutely loves a good sex party. Reportedly, at one of these Hamptom parties, one of Leder's attendants, called a "chubby white-masthead," sunk into a pool with some tanned babe and then, after some "cavorting," proceeded to get dirty on a poolside chair. Leder House Rules!
All this zaniness happened, it seems, after Leder lost his mind following a messy divorce from his wife of 22 years. (She had an affair with their 23-year-old tennis coach.)
But wait. It gets better. Now the news has come out that in the throes of all this merry-making, Leder -- who already has three children in their teens and 20s -- fathered a love child. She's now almost 1.
"I became the proud parent of a beautiful little girl last January with my former girlfriend," he told the Post in a statement.
So Pulp has launched an inquiry into the strange correlation between love children and our Republican brothers. Granted the Dems (John Edwards and probably Bill Clinton) get bamboozled on this matter as well, but Republicans yet retain a mighty lead on copulating children out of wedlock and then getting into politics.
After extensive analysis, the Pulp has discovered this happened way, way more often before the invention of contraceptives, and, for once, Republicans have been strikingly consistent, at least on the matter of procreation: Down with Planned Parenthood = let's father love children.
Five most awesome examples:
Last year, after two decades of marriage to Maria Shiver, Arnold left the governor's mansion in California and came out to his wife that he'd fathered a love child -- then a teenager -- with his Guatemalan maid, Mildred. According to his book, Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story, he was eloquent in the revelation.
"It was my screw-up," he told her. She divorced him.
We have this scenario to blame for the vexing quasi-fame of Levi Johnson, the father of this love child.
Here's what went down: Levi knocked up Bristol, who's mom suddenly became the Republican vice-presidential nominee, then proposed to Bristol, then broke off said engagement, then publicly apologized to the Palins, then capitulated on that apology, then wrote a traumatically bad book, Deer in the Headlights, then failed to get into modeling, then announced his candidacy for mayor of Wasilla, then was told to put on a shirt and graduate high school. He did neither.
Runs for governor, announces love child, loses race, completes grand love-child narrative.
In 2010, this Republican from Buffalo thought he was going to be the next governor of New York. Hahahaha. Instead, and only it seems for political ambition, he announced right before he began his bid for Albany that he had a 10-year-old love child.
Only after one his adult children died in a car accident did he tell his wife of 40 years. What. A. Guy.
Strom Thurmand and his love child
Turns out Strom Thurmond, the strict segregationist from South Carolina, who thankfully is dead, was full of shit the entire time! While he was trying to keep blacks and whites separated, he actually had a biracial love child by his family's teenaged maid aaaaaallll the way back in 1925.
Thurmond was then only 22. Thumbs up for hypocrisy!!
While Jefferson wasn't technically a Republican, the GOP definitely claims him as one of its own because he didn't like big government. One more comparison: He had many, many love children by one of his slaves, Sally Hemings, who, strangely, was also the half-sister of his wife.
Now that's a reality TV show.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.
- No Marlins Players Showed Up to Event That Promised Fans They'd Meet Marlins Players
- Heather Hironimus Signs Consent for Son's Circumcision
- Naked Fort Lauderdale Man Rescued Off Raised Drawbridge