Ryan Tannehill threw for 431 yards. Brian Hartline caught 12 passes for 253 yards. Cameron Wake registered four sacks.
And yet the Miami Dolphins still found a way to dip their balls in the soft serve ice cream machine and lose to the Arizona Cardinals 24-21 in overtime.
It was the Fins' second consecutive OT loss, bringing Miami's record to 1-3.
Here's your recap:
- There's really no other way to articulate the massive heap of suck that was losing this game. Other than to randomly scream out words like FUCKASS. Or COCKMEAT. Or TAINT. Over and over again.
Try it. It's cathartic.
- The team's two biggest flaws have been the lack of talent at the receiver position, and the secondary. The numbers tell us that both units played well. But the fact remains that we pretty much still have ass at both positions.
Hartline had a fantastic game, without a doubt. It's the best game a Dolphins receiver has had since Chris Chambers (remember him?) had 238 yards against Buffalo in 2005. Shit, it's the best game any Dolphins receiver has ever had.
But Arizona has consistently been one of the shittier secondaries in the NFL all season. Not to take anything away from what Chipmunk pulled off. But those people saying that we're fine at the position need to be kicked in the testicles repeatedly until they vomit their own spleen.
- The secondary, meanwhile, remains a bucket of piss.
Yes, Sean Smith had a career day with two INTs, but let's not discount the fact that (A) the Fins pass rush and run defense forced Kevin Kolb to have to beat them and (B) Kevin Kolb is fucking atrocious at football. His thrown interception in the endzone was easily one of the worst decisions any quarterback has ever made ever. And it didn't help that the Fins pass rushers were having a pants party on Kolb's face every other down.
As we said in our preview Friday, the secondary was going to get cocked. And they did.
- Ryan Tannehill was BALLS yesterday. And that's something to be excited about. Let's all get excited at Ryan Tannehill's balls.
Four hundred and thirty one yards passing is BANANAS. Not even Dan Marino did that in his rookie season. We could have done without his forth quarter fumble and OT interception -- both indirectly linked to the Cardinals pulling off the win. But, Tannehill is showing promise at the one position where it's been mostly queefs and penis. So KUDOS FOR NOT SERVING UP ANUS TACOS AS A QUARTERBACK, KID.
And you have to love how The Doctor put perspective on his big day: "You don't play for moral victories," said Tannehill. "You play for wins."
So let's all rejoice that our quarterback threw for 400-+ yards and yet we still lost. BECAUSE THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED IN THIS HISTORY OF THE MIAMI DOLPHINS FOOTBALL FRANCHISE.
- We told you Cameron Wake would have a big game. And we were fucking right.
- Jovorski Lane is quite the short yardage specialist. Dude is built like a refrigerator and loves to pound it in people's faces. Nice pick up by Mike Sherman. We look forward to many more 4th and inches and 3rd and goals from PREPARE YOUR LANEUS. Good shit.
- Meanwhile... Daniel Thomas ran the ball four times for four yards.
Jeff Ireland traded UP to get Vagina Feet in the 2011 NFL Draft. Because running backs are such a rarity.
Also available at the time without trading up:
Jeff Ireland is a draft WIZARD.
- People are going to say and do all kinds of things today to make themselves feel better about this loss. But that's bullshit. The Dolphins are 1-3 for a reason. Because they haven't stopped sucking.
"Oh but we could easily be 3-1." No. No we can't. Because if we could, we FUCKING WOULD.
The Dolphins lone victory so far has been against the Oakland Raiders, who are just a shit stain of a football team.
And it's fun to marvel at the fact that Brian Hartline now stands above guys like Mark Duper on the all-time franchise list. And it's great to feel good about Wake's four sacks. And it's fantastic that we may have fixed our QB problem.
But, to paraphrase Tannehill, moral victories are shit.
The team is 1-3 and well on their way to yet another losing season with no playoff berth and very little good to look forward to.
Moral victories can eat a dick.
The Dolphins visit the Cincinnati Bengals next Sunday. Gametime is 1 p.m.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!