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Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015
Illustration by Kevin Cannon

Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015

The new year is just around the corner, which means IT'S RESOLUTION TIME.

That's right, folks. Time to buckle down, grab some pen and paper, and start writing down all the things you resolve to do in 2015 to better your life.

And while most of us will give up on those resolutions by January 4 or so, others need to be serious about keeping them if they ever truly want to see prosperity and success.

And one of those people is the entire State of Florida. Yes, us. We suck. And we have a handful of things we need to get serious about if we want 2015 to be prosperous and filled with hope.

Here now are seven resolutions for 2015 for the State of Florida that we'll all be breaking in about a week:

Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015

1. Stop being jerks to homeless people Florida is always in the news for dumb shit. And that's fine. It's our M.O. It's who we are. We're the rest of the country's mongoloid cousin who shows up to Christmas dinner and lights the tree on fire. But that's due mostly to stories like this, where dumb criminals do dumb stuff. The rest of the country points at us and laughs. This year, however, we made news for a whole other level of ridiculousness. When the City of Fort Lauderdale passed an ordinance basically saying that groups can't feed the homeless in public, well, that's just when things went into Ludicrous Speed.

A 90-year-old war veteran was cited for doing just that and became the face of a well-intentioned ordinance that was mangled by a refusal to find a solution before being passed. The result is that now people think Florida hates the homeless. And, in a way, it does, what with 90-year-old man facing jail time for giving food to other people who are hungry and all. In 2015, let's resolve not to be jerks to the homeless. Or to 90-year-old people who feed them.

Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015

2. Stop being jerks to gay people who want to get married Geez. Enough already! Let same-sex couples get married and that's that. We started this shit in 2008, when we as a state inexplicably voted to ban same-sex marriage. The mostly conservative Florida government has always pushed the agenda that gay people are icky. And that if they're allowed to gay-marry each other, then the state will be infected with all their gay and then the next thing you know, some guy wants to marry his cat, which is an abomination.

Attorney General Pam Bondi has taken up the fight to keep the gays in their place and not allow them to marry people they love because who the hell marries for love?? Now we're at the precipice of allowing gay couples to marry in Florida, as soon as all the judges and lawyers can figure shit out. Here's a simple solution: JUST LET THEM GET MARRIED ALREADY.

Gay people have rights just like everyone else -- including the right to be live a completely miserable and bogged-down existence by getting married. If gay people want to get married and then have kids and then get disillusioned with life and get a divorce seven years later, so be it!

Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015
Via Gov. Rick Scott via Flickr cc

3. Show up to vote for stuff OK, so, there are no elections in 2015. But that's not stopping us from having to resolve to show the hell up when there is one. So let's resolve in 2015 to resolve that in 2016, we'll not only show up to the polls but that we also won't completely screw up anymore elections, OK?

Sounds ludicrous? Sure. But we need an entire year's notice for a resolution when it comes to voting down here. We simply can't be trusted when it comes to elections. We either don't show up because we'd rather watch the Kardashian sisters whine their way through life on TV like brainless troglodites than decide on candidates who will be making major decisions that will affect our lives. We can't be bothered to vote because Adam Levine is going to insult another would-be pop star AND WE NEED TO SEE THAT OR ELSE WE'LL DIE.

Here's the thing, Florida. We screwed ourselves into having one of the worst governors in the country for a second term, no legalized medical marijuana, and an attorney general who will do anything she can to keep gays from marrying each other.

This is our fault.

It's simple. You go to a polling place, you present your ID, you vote. Boom. No one is performing triple-bypass surgery here. We're just filling out a bubble with a pencil, just like we did in school.

Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015
Illustration by Tim Gabor

4. Stop running over panthers We keep killing the endangered Florida panther because if there's two things we don't do well, it's drive slowly and also look at the road while we're driving.

2014 was the deadliest year for panthers struck on the road, and it's not getting any better. We basically screwed these wild cats over by paving highways where they live and then running them over. What an asshole move by us, Florida.

Their habitat has gotten smaller and smaller over the years, because we need to get home faster because Adam Levine is going to insult another would-be pop star, and WE NEED TO SEE THAT OR ELSE WE'LL DIE.

As a result, the panther's numbers have dwindled, and those who have miraculously survived our building a freeway in their house are now getting hit by cars because panthers are animals that don't understand what a car is. It's gotten so bad that we've had to fly in pumas from Texas to mate with our panthers to make hybrid panthers that eventually grow up to get hit by some idiot in his Hyundai who can't be bothered to actually look at the road he's driving on.

Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015

5. Enough with all the guns, already We get it. We're Florida. And we love guns. We have the most concealed-weapons permits in all the land and arbitrary laws that let people shoot other people and say we were just standing our ground and totally get away with it!

So, OK. Love your guns. It's exactly what Thomas Jefferson wanted, probably but most likely not. But do we have to love them so damned much? Jesus. They're guns. We don't need to love them that much. There are so many other things we can pour our passions and undying devotion to other than guns. Like, ice cream, race cars, cat memes, coffee, Abraham Lincoln, unicorns, Adam Levine, footwear, deep-sea fishing, bare-knuckle boxing, the Macarena, sales at Target, Keanu Reeves movies, ballroom dancing, watching gifs of people being kicked in the testicles, clowns, and hats.

Instead, all our love is reserved for guns. We love the ever-living shit out of guns. So much so that we passed a law that prohibits doctors from asking anyone if they have a gun in their home.

That's right. A doctor has every right to shove a finger up your ass and ask you about your entire sexual history. But asking if you happen to own a deadly weapon that even a child could use, well now that's just a COMPLETE AND TOTAL BREACH OF MY PRIVACY!

Chill with the guns, Florida.

6. Our sports teams need to stop sucking so much

The Dolphins are abysmal. The Marlins atrocious. And now the Heat has been saddled with The Suck. Oh but we have the Panthers. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Just kidding. Nobody cares.

Still, it would be nice to be able to go to a sporting event and not feel like we just came out of a four-hour colonoscopy session when the game is over. Are we spoiled? Yeah, a little. The Heat being awesome has made us this way.

Yet, now ALL our teams are bad.

We're not necessarily asking for more championships* ... we're just asking for not all our teams to be total shit.

That's all.

(*Yes, yes we are, thanks.)

7. Let's not get complacent about hurricanes

It's been a while since we've been hit by a major hurricane down here.

That's the good news.

The bad news? It's been a while since we've been hit by a major hurricane down here.

Which means, if we play the odds, we're going to get smacked in the face by a hurricane soon. And we fear Florida isn't ready for that.

Florida is already lazy and blase about shit, which is the last way to be when you live in a peninsula that is vulnerable to getting hit by major tropical storms.

El Nino has bailed us out for years now. But soon enough, a hurricane is going to wind up and punch us like one of them boxing kangaroos, and we're not going to be ready because we couldn't be bothered to make the proper preparations because Adam Levine is going to insult another would-be pop sta,r and WE NEED TO SEE THAT OR ELSE WE'LL DIE.

Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph. Follow Chris Joseph on Twitter



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