Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015

Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015
Illustration by Kevin Cannon

The new year is just around the corner, which means IT'S RESOLUTION TIME.

That's right, folks. Time to buckle down, grab some pen and paper, and start writing down all the things you resolve to do in 2015 to better your life.

And while most of us will give up on those resolutions by January 4 or so, others need to be serious about keeping them if they ever truly want to see prosperity and success.

And one of those people is the entire State of Florida. Yes, us. We suck. And we have a handful of things we need to get serious about if we want 2015 to be prosperous and filled with hope.

Here now are seven resolutions for 2015 for the State of Florida that we'll all be breaking in about a week:

Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015

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1. Stop being jerks to homeless people Florida is always in the news for dumb shit. And that's fine. It's our M.O. It's who we are. We're the rest of the country's mongoloid cousin who shows up to Christmas dinner and lights the tree on fire. But that's due mostly to stories like this, where dumb criminals do dumb stuff. The rest of the country points at us and laughs. This year, however, we made news for a whole other level of ridiculousness. When the City of Fort Lauderdale passed an ordinance basically saying that groups can't feed the homeless in public, well, that's just when things went into Ludicrous Speed.

A 90-year-old war veteran was cited for doing just that and became the face of a well-intentioned ordinance that was mangled by a refusal to find a solution before being passed. The result is that now people think Florida hates the homeless. And, in a way, it does, what with 90-year-old man facing jail time for giving food to other people who are hungry and all. In 2015, let's resolve not to be jerks to the homeless. Or to 90-year-old people who feed them.

Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida for 2015

2. Stop being jerks to gay people who want to get married Geez. Enough already! Let same-sex couples get married and that's that. We started this shit in 2008, when we as a state inexplicably voted to ban same-sex marriage. The mostly conservative Florida government has always pushed the agenda that gay people are icky. And that if they're allowed to gay-marry each other, then the state will be infected with all their gay and then the next thing you know, some guy wants to marry his cat, which is an abomination.

Attorney General Pam Bondi has taken up the fight to keep the gays in their place and not allow them to marry people they love because who the hell marries for love?? Now we're at the precipice of allowing gay couples to marry in Florida, as soon as all the judges and lawyers can figure shit out. Here's a simple solution: JUST LET THEM GET MARRIED ALREADY.

Gay people have rights just like everyone else -- including the right to be live a completely miserable and bogged-down existence by getting married. If gay people want to get married and then have kids and then get disillusioned with life and get a divorce seven years later, so be it!

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