In case you were trapped under something heavy, the big news is that the New England Patriots won their fourth Super Bowl last night by defeating the Seattle Seahawks 28-24.
Much to the chagrin of Dolphins fans everywhere, the Patriots are the picture of sustained excellence in the NFL. This current franchise has gone to six Super Bowls and won four of them since 2001. The Fins, meanwhile, have flailed and flopped their way through a miserable existence since they last won the big game 41 years ago.
And here's some more crappy news for Dolphins fans everywhere: There's likely no end to all of that flailing and flopping. Because the Fins are so far from being like the Patriots -- or the Seahawks, for that matter -- it's tragic.
How far off, you ask? Here are seven reasons the Miami Dolphins will never reach the pinnacle like the Patriots have:
7. They Blew Their Shot at the Next Superstar Quarterback Several times, we might add.
Sure, the Dolphins had Dan Marino. But they also could have had Drew Brees (twice) and Matt Ryan. One sure-fire Hall of Famer and one really solid franchise quarterback.
But their biggest grievance might be not giving themselves a shot at drafting Andrew Luck. Sure, they didn't pass on Luck, per se. But they went and won a bunch of meaningless games in 2011 that would have otherwise had them in position to draft him. Instead, he went to Indianapolis. And while the Dolphins ended up getting Ryan Tannehill, who has turned out to be a fine QB, Luck is, without question, the next elite NFL quarterback. And that sucks for us.
6. They Treat Their Employees Like Crap This probably doesn't have to do with on-field success, but karma can be a bitch. And in the case of Nate Sullivan, who had worked with the team as a scout for 17 years, it's well-deserved. The Dolphins fired Sullivan in 2014 after all his years of service. But Sullivan claimed he was wrongfully fired because new general manager Dennis Hickey didn't like that Sullivan worked from home.
Sullivan had been working from home for several years to care for his wife, JoAnne, who suffers from cystic fibrosis and a severe blood vessel ailment.
If this is truly the real reason they fired Sullivan, then, yeah, screw the Dolphins. They deserve nothing good.
5. They Are Historically Bad at Drafting Jeff Ireland was terrible at drafting. This we know. But the Dolphins have been drafting poorly since way before Ireland came in and ruined things. We're talking way back even to the days of legendary coach Don Shula. Sure, Shula is an icon. And yes, he gave us Dan Marino in 1983 when no one else wanted him. But Shula also drafted the likes of Sammie Smith and Eric Kumerow and John Bosa. Even Jimmy Johnson brought in clunkers like John Avery. Football genius Nick Saban? That dude passed on Aaron Rodgers and Darrel Revis to draft Jason Allen. The championship architect known as Bill Parcells gave us Pat White and passed on Matt Ryan to draft an offensive tackle who's no longer on the team.
We can go on, but we don't want to be responsible for any suicides out there. MOVING ON.......
4. They Are Hopelessly Mediocre It's no longer just the opinion of a "jaded Dolphins fan."
It's actually official. Thanks to math, the folks at Pro Football Focus found that the Miami Dolphins are hopelessly mediocre. Through their study of every team not named the Seahawks or Patriots, PFF found that the Dolphins are filled with too many mediocre players and not enough elite players to make a serious run at the Super Bowl. And it's not just because they have bad players. It's mainly because they have average players. A LOT of average players.
Through the PFF breakdown, it turns out the Dolphins have just two "elite" players on their roster (Cameron Wake and Reshad Jones), three "good" players, six "bad" players, and a whopping 20 "average" players. On top of all that, the Dolphins have the lowest-rated offensive line in the league. This despite constantly spending high draft picks and tons of money on the position.
The result is the team finishing 7-9, 7-9, 6-10, 7-9, 8-8, and 8-8 in the past six seasons.
3. The Owner Is a Dolt Stephen Ross has run the Miami Dolphins the way you'd imagine a monkey would run an ice cream truck. Ross can't seem to get it right no matter what he does. He does nothing, the team gets worse. He acts, the team gets worse. He's a walking disaster. Selling shares of the team to C-list celebrities, the Orange Carpet, the fact that he held on to Jeff Ireland too long, the fact that he botched the Jim Harbaugh hire, the fact that he's holding on to Joe Philbin too long, it's all one massive empire of dirt, and Stephen Ross is king.
So the Dolphins just turned their football operations over to the guy who lost his job to John Idzik. pic.twitter.com/L30TFaxCUl
— Peyton's Head (@PeytonsHead) January 6, 2015
2. They Keep Hiring the Wrong People
Look at these names: Dave Wannstedt, Nick Saban, Cam Cameron, Bill Parcells, Jeff Ireland, Tony Sparano, Joe Philbin. Ooof is that a Rogue's Gallery of ass. The Dolphins simply can't get it right when it comes to hiring someone who knows that the hell they're doing. And yet, THEY KEEP RIGHT ON DOING IT.
Even now, with the team finishing another 8-8 season and another year of missing the playoffs and looking at another middle-of-the-pack draft pick, what do they do?
They go and hire the guy who ruined the New York Jets to run their football operations.
1. The Team is Probably Cursed Thanks to Where the Stadium Is Built SunLife Stadium is currently undergoing massive renovations. New seats are being installed, and there are plans to construct a retractable roof. All of this to pave the way for what the Dolphins hope will be a shot at hosting another Super Bowl, as well as give the team a new home-field advantage.
But all the effort and money can't hide the fact that the stadium was originally built on an ancient Native American burial ground. When the foundation was being laid out for then-Joe Robbie Stadium, crews discovered ancient remains from the Tequesta Indian Tribe, who lived in the area in the mid-1700s. You'd think such a discovery would force the Dolphins to maybe rethink building their stadium there. Nope. They did it anyway. And, well, here we are.
So, thanks to a possible Tequesta curse, we're screwed.
Also, thanks to all the other reasons we just listed above.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!