Let's do a little creative visualization: You are the first mother in the history of the human race. One day, something starts growing inside your uterus, kicking and leaching nutrients for nine months before choosing one of the smallest holes on your body to emerge from. After unimaginable pain, you find yourself holding the tiny and slimy little ball of screaming flesh who put you through this. What do you do?
My instinct tells me to Sigourney Weaver that little alien. Send it out into the cold abyss of space where it belongs.
Good thing I'm not a mother. No, instead that first mother looked at that thing, and rather than grabbing the nearest sharp rock, she loved it.
Since then, mothers around the world have been upholding that tradition and loving their slimy little flesh balls as well, wiping their butts, mouths, and tears (hopefully with different towels) along the way.
And this Sunday, on the day they call Mother's Day, we'll honor that fact.
But what do you get the woman who is literally the reason you exist? Flowers? Boring. Candy? Delicious, but boring. Candy flowers? I think the closest thing to this would be an Edible Arrangement which is still, unfortunately, boring.
How about something unique? A one of a kind piece just as special as she is -- something bright, dangerous, even smelly.
Something from Ft. Lauderdale's famous Swap Shop.
6. Earrings Like these earrings. Give your mother the bling she deserves while still sending a subtle message.
I love you mom, but I damn sure don't trust you. Not since you bought the Publix brand Greek yogurt when I specifically asked for Chobani, then tried to fool me by putting it into a Tupperware container. What, you think my tongue is stupid?!
5. A Dog Towel Moms love dogs. But when you put sunglasses on them? It basically sends them into a fugue state of awww.
Moms also love towels. Don't believe me? Light yourself on fire right now, then walk out into the living room and tell your mom that you're going to the beach. The first thing she'll do is ask you if you need a towel. The second thing she'll do is scream and throw her glass of chardonnay at your flaming body.
4. A Cat Towel Mom not a dog person? That's cool. I guarantee she'd burn down a Williams-Sonoma for this awesome cat karaoke towel.
You know how teenage boys dream about coming home from school to find Mila Kunis under their covers? Moms dream about kitty-oke.
3. This Awesome Shirt If moms are special, then grandmas are extra special, because they're moms to the second power.
And who better to wish you a happy Mother's Day than this adorable little peanut of a human being? Look at his bow tie! His vest! His macaroni noodle hair!
I'll name him Walter. His name is Walter and he loves your grandma.
2. Elegant Horse Painting Every little girl went through a horse phase. So does that mean that their love of horses grows stronger through the years, like a fine scotch, reaching a crescendo at motherhood?
Let's say yes.
Worst case scenario, you just bought an elegant horse painting.
1. Ninja Stars Above all else, your mom needs to stay safe. Pepper spray is good, but what if her attacker is V. Stiviano?
Even if she lives in a safe neighborhood, she'll have fun with a ninja star. Mothers and ninjas share many similarities. Ask any 13-year-old who forgot to lock his door.
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