Spurs' Three-Point Barrage Devastates Heat in Game 3
The Miami Heat entered San Antonio for Game 3 looking to build on its Game 2 19-point blowout win and take a 2-1 series lead.
Instead, the Heat was routed 133-77, destroyed by a barrage of three-pointers from the Spurs that never seemed to end.
Every time you looked, the Spurs were hitting another three from downtown. Meanwhile, LeBron had himself a horrid game while his supporting cast continued to let him down.
Here's the rundown:
So, What the Balls Just Happened? The Heat got its ass blown off by Danny Green, Kawhi Leonard, and Gary Neal, that's what.
Oh. Yeah. FUCK.
Specifics? The Spurs made 16 three-pointers, and Green is suddenly the front-runner for Finals MVP.
How Did LeBron Do? LeBron had his worst playoff game as a member of the Heat, going 7-for-21, not attacking the rim, and not attempting a single foul shot all night.
And Wade? Dwyane Wade was just a stack of fractured dicks piled on top of one another, like old discarded shoes.
Gonna Need Specifics on This One Too Fine. D-Wade went 7-for-15 and has been abysmal on defense, allowing Green to take all the easy three-pointers his no-name heart desires.
I'm Afraid to Ask. But I will. Chris Bosh? Chris Bosh is straight-up ass. Just an ass with sneakers.
Ah. Gotcha. He farted out 21 points on 4-for-10 shooting. The ass with sneakers missed his first five shot attempts.
What Was Erik Spoelstra's Reaction?
What Are the Spurs Doing to Be Successful? They're pretty much kicking the Heat in the balls so hard, their testicles are popping out of their ears.
Boy. Hate to Be That Guy, but... Yeah, yeah, specifics. Fucking specifics. SPECIFICALLY, they're packing the paint on defense, daring everyone but LeBron to beat them, and jacking up a billion three-pointers. And all three of those things are working perfectly for them.
Is There Any Good That Can Be Taken From Such an Ass-Reaming Loss? Well, we'll will go out on a limb and say the Spurs just had their most explosive game of the series. Green, Neal, and Leonard won't have this game again. The statistics say so.
Of course, if the Spurs win the series and Danny Green of all fucking people wins Finals MVP, all stats and NBA stat boys can go shit in their mother's mouths, because it's all meaningless.
The Heat can only get better from this point on.
Also, Thursday is going to be the most ass-puckering game in the history of the Big Three. So, we have that to look forward to.
Any Videos or GIFs You Can Show to Help Illustrate This Recap Better? Yea. Sure. Here you go:
Oh. Uh. Thanks.
How Did Twitter Handle the Game? Like this:
Not a single Cobra Dick tweet. smh— Rizzmiggizz (@RizzWrites) June 12, 2013
Butthole.— Jerk Jerkson (@JerkJerkson) June 12, 2013
My brother and I will not speak again until the Heat win the Finals.— Stephen Douglas (@CRM_Stephen) June 12, 2013
i bet shit was mad crazy at all the bars in san antonio before last call in the 3rd quarter— lieutenant winslow (@lt_winslow) June 12, 2013
SO MUCH twitter.com/ipeneIope/stat...— Penelope (@ipeneIope) June 12, 2013
And here come this nigga "@darrenrovellLeBron made more every 4 games ($855,854) than Gary Neal made all season ($854,389)— Eric Lauzin (@Lauzin) June 12, 2013
LOL THEY LOST BY 40????? I didn't even check the boxscore. Goddamn man.— Silky Bruh Johnson (@HeatBoner) June 12, 2013
Red Wedding uniforms alright.— Rizzmiggizz (@RizzWrites) June 12, 2013
FOR THE FUCK OF SHIT!!! These assholes are gonna end up giving me an aneurysm— Danielle (@Supa710) June 12, 2013
Diapered children on top of truck celebrate Spurs' Game 3 win twitter.com/blazersedge/st...— Ben Golliver (@blazersedge) June 12, 2013
When you're sad, just look how happy this man is with his onion. twitter.com/GoogleFacts/st...— GoogleFacts (@GoogleFacts) June 12, 2013
I threw in the super happy guy and his onion to try and cheer you up.
Game 4 is Thursday at San Antonio. Tip-off is at 9 p.m.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.