Tea Party Hates Manatees, Says Protecting Them Is "Against the Bible"
Jesus apparently hated manatees, according to a new Tea Party platform circulating around Florida.
Originating from the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots group, teabaggers are crying about the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's intent to place restrictions against boating and other things near the city of Crystal River -- and now they're trying to get all Florida Tea Partiers to ask congress to block the wildlife service, according to the St. Petersburg Times.
And why would they be trying to do this? Because protecting animals like manatees is against the Bible and the Bill of Rights, according to one Tea Party leader.
"We cannot elevate nature above people," Citrus County Tea Party Patriots leader Edna Mattos told the paper. "That's against the Bible and the Bill of Rights."
Preparing for the reality of bowing down to our new manatee overlords, Mattos tells the paper that if animal-loving hippies would've been around in the days of dinosaurs, we'd all be living in a movie starring Jeff Goldblum right now.
"If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we'd be living in Jurassic Park now," Mattos told the paper.
Thank goodness the Tea Party is here to prevent us all from becoming manatee food.
Of course, what Tea Party talking point would be any good without a conspiracy theory about the United Nations?
The St. Pete Times has the answer to that:
Current regulations have helped boost the manatee population from 100 to 500, so clearly they're sufficient, Mattos said. In fact, in her view, the manatee rules tie in to global development issues.
"We believe that (federal regulators') aim is to control the fish and wildlife, in addition to the use of the land that surrounds this area, and the people that live here and visit. ... As most of us know, this all ties in to the United Nations' Agenda 21 and Sustainability."
Agenda 21 is a program, adopted by the U.N. in 1992, to encourage countries around the world to promote only development that does not harm nature. Pundit Glenn Beck and other conservatives have attacked it as an attempt to impose world government's rules on every aspect of American lives. The Citrus County tea party group's website says Agenda 21 is "designed to make humans into livestock."
Fictional manatees are not happy about the Tea Party's plans:
"These tea party bitches tryna keep a brotha down," Gangsta Manatee posts on Twitter. "Oh hell naw! Manatee brothas unite!"
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.