Ten Best Ways to Blow Your Tax Return in South Florida
Michele Eve Sandberg
The sight of a W-2 in your mailbox can strike either fear or joy into your heart. If you've decided to take your money upfront and deal with Uncle Sam in April, things are about to get tight. But if you paid along the way all year long, that paper is akin to a Christmas bonus. It's like finding money in the fifth jean pocket of a pair of jeans you haven't worn in months. It's like flipping your couch over, cutting open the bottom, and having hundred dollar bills fly out. It's free money.
And it's time to blow it. Because it never really existed, if you get rid of it fast enough.
C'mon, man! You pinch your pennies all year long. What are you going to do, pay down your credit card? That's what The Man wants you to do! That's what your mom would tell you to do! That's what you should do — wait, don't read that last sentence!
Do these things instead, because you're a damned adult, and this is America.
10. Rent a Lamborghini and drive to South Beach.
Gotham Dream Cars
5150 SW 48th St., Suite 613, Davie
From $2,450 a day, you can rent a Lambo from Gotham Dream Cars in Davie. The drive from Broward to Collins Avenue gives you ample miles to let this baby loose on the open road, then do the exact opposite once you hit South Beach. This is the car that high-school-you wanted to
Photo by George Martinez
9. Sit courtside at a Miami Heat game.
Courtside tickets can be had for just under $3,000 on Stubhub, much cheaper than they were a few years ago, when LeBron was running the American Airlines Arena. You've always dreamed of sitting in these seats, but you never imagined it would be possible. Oh, it's possible. You deserve this. You don't even understand some of the deductions on your check every week, but you don't ask questions, do you? No, you pay, because America. Well, now you're going to sit ten feet away from a bunch of men who make $20 million a year to play basketball, because AMERICA!
8. Rent a yacht and do yacht stuff.
Yolo Boat Rentals
9 Cayuga Road, Fort Lauderdale
I'm on a boat! At Yolo Boat Rentals in Fort Lauderdale, you can have a yacht chartered for around $1,200 a day. Get yourself a yacht and go full Entourage, because sometimes we need a reason to act douchey. Do things like drink Champagne with a strawberry at the bottom. Get your spring break on. Flash people. Not you, guys. You'll probably go to jail. It's just different, sorry. And we don't have money left over to bail you out; this yacht was expensive.
7. Let it ride on a casino cruise.
Cash your entire tax return check in hundreds and jump your ass on the next casino cruise. Every dollar goes
Michele Eve Sandberg
6. Throw a weekend-long hotel-room party at the W Fort Lauderdale.
W Fort Lauderdale
401 N. Fort Lauderdale Beach Blvd., Fort Lauderdale
All you need is $526 per night and a suite at the W Fort Lauderdale is all yours. When is the last time you even said the phrase "hotel party"? God, you're so old. This is your chance to blow the entire stack on two nights
Photo by Posh Panel
Florida Panthers v Vancouver Canucks
TicketsSat., Dec. 10, 7:00pm
UberTAILGATE: Hard Rock Stadium Dolphins vs. Cardinals
TicketsSun., Dec. 11, 12:00pm
LUXURY SEATING: Miami Dolphins v Arizona Cardinals
TicketsSun., Dec. 11, 1:00pm
Miami Dolphins vs. Arizona Cardinals
TicketsSun., Dec. 11, 1:00pm
5. Get a VIP table at Vixens and make it rain.
3050 Burris Road, Davie
Vixens isn't your everyday strip club; it's also a rock-music venue. If you're going to blow your money, why not do it on some of your favorite music and some beautiful women who are pretending to like you? I, for one, think that's what Uncle Sam would want.
4. Invite all your friends to a night of dinner and drinks on you.
1411 S. Andrews Ave., Fort Lauderdale
What fun is blowing money if nobody is there to witness it? Take the night with a few of your most deserving friends and make it an evening to remember. Reserve a corner of Tap 42. Get plastered. Stumble into the street. Call an Uber. Then do it all over again at another bar. Then another one. Then puke. Then rally. Then get your friends to buy you Taco Bell because you're completely out of money.
3. Blow it on jewelry and propose again.
Jared — Galleria of Jewelry
2050 NW Executive Center Circle, Jared NW Executive, Boca Raton
You got it at Jared. Whatever "it" is, it's going to be expensive. Blowing your tax return money on jewelry is by far the smartest move on this list. You will actually reap the benefits of this one in the future — not regret it when you're late paying your cell phone bill. Not only will this be the sweetest thing you've ever done but you'll totally get away with blowing money, because it was for a great reason.
2. Blow it all shopping.
Sawgrass Mills Mall
12801 W. Sunrise Blvd., Sunrise
Ladies know this one is the best option. Never let the money hit your bank. Cash it. Walk into the mall. One woman enters, five Chanel and Gucci bags leave. If you're a bro's bro and don't think you can spend all your money at the mall, head over to a Dick's Sporting Goods or something. They have paintball guns and camo-bro stuff.
1. Charter a weekend-long fishing trip.
All-Inclusive Sport Fishing
Bahia Mar Yachting Center
801 Seabreeze Blvd., Fort Lauderdale
Rent a boat, grab some poles, fill up on bait, and hit the open water. This is what you've been preparing for by watching 20 seasons of Deadliest Catch. Worst-case scenario: You and your buddies get a vacation you'll never forget and a freezer full of dinners. This is South Florida, and this is your chance to live the salt life. All-Inclusive Sport Fishing has packages that stretch as little as four hours to as long as a weekend... depending on how fat your tax return is.
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