Ten Fort Lauderdale Life Hacks

Ten Fort Lauderdale Life Hacks
Photo by Michele Eve Sandberg

Fort Lauderdale is like a strange foreign land. If you enter without knowing its ways, you'll be chewed up and spit out, bloody and naked.

(Bloody and naked was actually the third runner-up as Fort Lauderdale's slogan.)

But if you learn your way around, where to go and what to avoid, you'll be embraced in a warm Fort Lauderdale hug.

(Do NOT ask for a "warm Fort Lauderdale hug" in any restaurant or gas station.)

See also: What Buzzfeed Got Wrong About Fort Lauderdale

However, that's easier said than done. How does one learn the ins and outs of Fort Lauderdale? We're pretty sure Anthony Bourdain isn't planning on filming a Fort Lauderdale episode anytime soon. And most Fort Lauderdale travel guides have hollowed-out pages filled with 5,000 pesos and a pocketknife.

Don't worry. We're here to help.

Here are ten pro tips everyone in Fort Lauderdale should know.

10. Avoid Sunrise Boulevard. Oh my God, it's the worst. I don't care if it's morning, evening, rush hour, or Christmas Eve. Sunrise Boulevard is always as congested as the nose of a cocaine-addicted anteater that's allergic to ants. (Do I smell a screenplay?)

Not only is traffic horrible but pedestrians dart out in front of you as if controlled by a fat-fingered blind kid playing Frogger.

9. Don't swim in the Intracoastal. As if piles and piles of trash, razor-sharp barnacles that line the seawalls and Intracoastal floors, and drunk boaters flying through blind curves weren't enough, now we learn that there are sharks (or at least one hungry one) in there?

Floating condoms look like fun compared to what happened to this poor girl.

Look at what that shark (Angry turtle? Stand-your-ground-supporting manatee?) did to that leg. That thing looks like lasagna.

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