Ten Other Florida Stereotypes That Would Make Good Dolls
Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken
If you haven't seen Mattel's newest addition to the Adult Barbie Collector line, it's an appalling creation they're calling "Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken." This week brought news that the doll is, in fact, a real product the company is really selling to real adult collectors (and really warped, seriously outcast children). A Mattel spokesperson explained to the New York Post that the doll's name has nothing to do with a May-December cash-for-sex-style relationship like you might have guessed.
See PBSD Ken comes with several accessories: a bright-green jacket, a bright floral bathing suit, a bottle of water, some tanning lotion, and an expensive-looking designer dog apparently named Sugar. This confirmed bachelor Ken is Sugar's daddy. Get it? Ironically, while PBSD Ken's name hints at one South Florida stereotype, it seems his character implies another.
To celebrate Ken's unveiling, the odd, eccentric characters at the Juice have put together a list of ten more Florida stereotypes that would make good adult Barbie dolls.
Not on the list: Bloviating Radio Talk Show Host Ken, Openly Corrupt School Board Member Barbie, and I'm Not a Gay Governor Ken.
10 Other Florida stereotypes that would make good dolls:
Failed Real Estate Investor Ken
He came to Florida to buy severely overpriced condos with the hopes of flipping them for a quick profit, but he got caught holding the bag and now owns empty properties in high-rises from Miami to Delray Beach. He once had a beautiful wife and friends at the country club where he can no longer pay his dues. His accessories include a pawn shop claim ticket for a gold wedding band, oversized slacks from Goodwill, and a tiny application for a federal bailout.
Miami Heat vs. Atlanta Hawks
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Miami Dolphins vs. Tennessee Titans
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Miami Heat vs. Charlotte Hornets
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Oversexed Cougar Barbie
She's been celibate for years as she watched Failed Real Estate Investor Ken fool around with his secretary, and now she's ready for satisfaction. The divorce went through before the market tanked, so she can focus on awkwardly acting out empowerment fantasies that for some reason include approaching younger men. This doll comes with a desperate-attempt-to-be-hip designer T-shirt, a tiny Bon Jovi CD (hidden in a tiny Black Eyed Peas case), a lot of makeup, movable plastic surgery scars, a Bikram yoga outfit, and a lot of self-loathing. She could be modeled on Courteney Cox's character in the new ABC sit"com" Cougar Town, which happens to be set on the west coast of Florida.
Can't Tell His Parents He's Gay Ken
He's often spotted in the bars of Wilton Manors, shaking what his mother gave him. But when he visits his mother for Thanksgiving, he indulges her in conversations about how he can't ever pick between his many girlfriends. This doll comes with a tiny football banner he can wave when his father's around, a tiny computer to help set up two separate Facebook accounts, a bottle of vodka to help ease the pain caused by such denial, and a Miata.
Desperate Sorority Girl Turned Porn Star Barbie
It seemed simple enough when she replied to the Craigslist ad. She needed cash to pay for books (coke), the dorm (purses), sorority dues (a spring break cruise), and figured that she could get it all in one afternoon of "work." This doll's accessories include a tiny dress with matching stripper shoes, a stolen credit card, a fake I.D., four kinds of prescription pills, a tanning bed, a half-written rambling suicide note, and a platinum wig.
$30,000 Millionaire Ken
He owes tens of thousands in student loans, but you'd never know from his lifestyle: the expensive clothes, the luxury apartment, the fastest cars you can lease with bad credit. He can be seen fraternizing outside overpriced bars on Las Olas or in clubs at the Hard Rock, working hard to pick up the girls with self-esteem just low enough to overlook the fact that he sometimes talks with a fake Brooklyn accent and thinks he should be a character in Entourage. This doll comes with five Ed Hardy shirts, an Acura with a boot on the tire, and a condom he says he'll use but doesn't.
Negligent Mother-to-Be Barbie
She can admit that her evening with $30,000 Millionaire Ken wasn't the best decision. And she was shocked to learn that by "in the importing and exporting business," he actually meant he works in the men's department at Macy's. But she prefers to ignore the problem with a cigarette in one hand and two beers in the other. She pats her belly and says things like "I'm drinking for two now" as she pours money into dog-track slot machines. This doll comes with tiny beer bottles, a tiny unopened pack of birth control, a tiny bus schedule, and a tiny coat hanger.
Drunk Before Noon in a Dive Bar Ken
He was pretty cool a long time ago, the life of every party, the guy everyone wanted to get drunk with. Now his skin is the consistency of a hot dog. His hair is perpetually unwashed and uncombed. His shirt is never buttoned. He'll fall off his barstool twice before 3 p.m. He can't help but smack the ass of the patient bartender every so often. This doll comes with dirty flip-flops, a tiny folded $20 bill, a koozie with his name on it, and little bitty handcuffs left over from his last DUI arrest.
Still Drinks Where She Did in High School Barbie
She's a towny. She may have accidentally slept with Drunk Before Noon in a Dive Bar Ken when she was feeling depressed. Twice. When she's not telling stories about drinking with people who now have jobs and families, she's complaining about being hungover. This doll comes with a tiny bottle-opener key chain and a 10-year-old dinged-up domestic sedan.
Ponzi Scheme Ken
He bilked the people closest to him. Then he bilked their friends and families. He built an empire on lies, and when the economy tanked, it all came crashing down. Now he's got some explaining to do. This doll comes with golf clubs, falsified financial statements, a house in Palm Beach, a passport, and a yacht (soon to be seized by the feds for auction).
Overbearing Yenta Barbie
She wakes up before the sun and goes to bed before dinner some days. She can complain about anything anytime anywhere. Don't drive so fast. This is the wrong way. This food is cold. Now it's too hot. Now it's too cold again. I'm not hungry anymore. Why couldn't you become a doctor like your cousin? It's too cold in here. Why are you trying to freeze me out? But politicians line up to kiss her ass. This doll comes with tiny reading glasses, a whale of a vehicle, and a little button that says "I accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan."
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