It's almost Memorial Day weekend, the beachiest South Florida holiday not named Fourth of July. The three-day weekend marks what feels like the start of summer in Florida. It's officially premium beach time. This obviously means the usual characters are planning to do the same thing you are this weekend, because the beach is not a secret; people are aware of it. The good news is, by now you know what to expect when you venture onto that burn-your-feet-hot sand.
Here are ten people you can bet you'll run into this weekend at the beach. Mentally prepare accordingly.
The shirtless uncle that looks fat but has a weird "outty-six-pack"
The shirtless uncle always wants someone to punch him in the stomach to prove that's not fat above the waist, that's just muscle that had nowhere else to go but out. Oddly enough, nobody has ever seen or heard about shirtless uncle working out — it's as if he was just born looking like a Fiat. Shirtless uncle hosts BBQ's on other holidays that routinely include "this meat I got from my buddy that just went hunting."
The girl in a red, white, and-blue bikini puking
She put on that bikini thinking "this will get people to notice me!", but by 2 p.m. she is filled with regret, wishing in fact, nobody noticed her. RW&B bikini girl ain't one bit afraid to funnel a PBR, or match you shot-for-Fireball-shot, but she never mixes in a hot dog or hamburger the entire day, and eventually it catches up with her. Her day ends prematurely,wearing someone else's t-shirt, but dammit if red, white, and blue bikini girl didn't have the best time she's had since the Chili Cookoff.
The Latin guy that set-up a wireless TV so he can watch soccer on the beach
This guy wants to party, but not if it means missing Real Madrid take the pitch against Barcelona. This guy just stands by the TV with a beer in one hand, cheering on his team, so it's 100% apparent who is responsible for bringing a sports bar to the beach. Latin-beach-TV guy is usually surrounded by awesome grandmas that have provided dank food for the occasion, and his extremely hot wife you try not to stare at too long.
That one asshole that collects money for the normally-free-beach-chairs.
This guy sucks. For some reason, in 2015 it's now a thing for beaches to send a guy with sunglasses attached with a string holding a clipboard to walk his happy ass right up to you and ask you for $20, because you're using a piece of wood Deerfield Beach put on the beach in 1992 as a seat. Don't want to pay him? Deal with the unknown circumstances. After you pay him, watch as he must prove to every other person he speaks to how this is not a scam, this is a really-real job he inexplicably agreed to do. This guy makes more than you because he steals 40% of the money, because guess what? Deerfield Beach isn't using drones to track their beach-chair-usage, and his clipboard runs on the honor system.
Dammit, Mom! Why did you bring bedroom pillows to the beach?! No, I don't want todays Palm Beach Post, it's too windy! This Mom is also known as "Kindle Mom", because she thinks she is the only person that has seen or heard of a Kindle, and wants to show you how amazing it is. This Mom is a big-time kill-joy because she has everything you need, so why would you pay $7 for it?! That's wasteful.
Husband to the Mom mentioned above, he remembered the keys to the car he paid for that drove us here, so he did his job. Memorial Day is like one of three days he gets off work that doesn't include buying you ungrateful kids presents or chocolate baskets, so shut the hell up while he plays with his Iphone. His younger children are literally one harsh wave from drowning, and his teenager daughter is chatting up some 40 year-old guy by the food trucks — but that's not his problem, he's checked out today.
That guy/girl you think you know from High School
Just say it, they got old and fat. You know you want to say it, because you're thinking it. You think you went to high school with them, but you can't be sure, because you're too busy judging them based on this rare-disease called "aging" they seem to have acquired. Meanwhile, they have an 11 year old with them, which is probably their kid, which makes you personally feel like total shit because while they've been raising a family all these years that you've been "figuring it out".
It's apparent these people have the time in their lives to actually practice being awesome at volleyball — and that just pisses us off. Damn volleyball people, with their Smart Water, and...volleyball faces; can't you people stop having so much fun? My wife is obviously looking at you wondering why you can be this active. You're ruining it for everyone else, volleyball people — go buy a Wii.
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These are those 70 year old people you can just look at and tell they would not be wearing the little clothes they had on if not for laws. They aren't really at the beach, they are moreso home. They have the best parking spaces, right next to the shower, it's like a casino, but instead of spending money, they got the best spots because the guy literally helped build this beach in the 30's.
Parking spot vultures
These people will wait your ass out. Parking spot vultures are watching you, no matter where you are. They see you holding a beach chair, and they inch behind you. Then, when they realize you just came back to the car to put more money in the meter and drop off the chair, they get visibly disgusted with you, because you totally gave them parking blue-balls. Once they get that spot, they swagger out of that car like your Dad after he found $1.25 strawberries at Aldi's. Eventually there is a ironic role-reversal, as the ex-parking vulture is met by a new parking-vulture, and their is a good old fashioned vulture-stare down where AM vulture takes their pretty ass time, mocking PM vulture for thinking they can just come to the beach at 1 p.m. and get a primo spot.