Ten Reasons Why Indianapolis Is Terrible
Don't count Indy down and out just yet. They have an annoying knack for squeaking out Ws, which is exactly what they'll have to do tonight if they don't want to put any chance at the Finals in the rearview mirror. So today, on the day of make-or-break home court appearance for the Heat, we thought it'd be a good time to engage in a hallowed tradition: municipal shit-talking.
Because really, who would want to live in Indianapolis?
1. That shit is landlocked like a mofo. For the sake of the argument, let's just forget for a moment that Indiana is the only state in the Great Lakes region to that doesn't . . . well . . . really have much of a Great Lake. The city of Indianapolis is really the only major city in America that doesn't sit on a major body of water. Which means you can't do this or this in Indianapolis.
2. The water smells bad. H2O just isn't a good area for the folks in Indianapolis. A couple years back, an on-going algae problem was discovered to have been behind the foul poo smell coming from the city's taps. Now, Florida doesn't exactly have the purest water in the nation, but at least we can say it doesn't smell like poo.
3. It's in Indiana. What's the rest of the state like? Imagine someone snapped an aerial shot of a plot of corn fields, then just copy-and-pasted that sucker for a couple hundred square miles. If you had to break up the 50 states into their spirit snack foods (Washington State is a bag of Bugles, Texas some BBQ Lays, New Jersey a elephant ear cooked in lard), Indiana is a brick of Saltines, no question.
4. Gen Con. When conventions come to South Florida, it's usually for pornstars or horny foot doctors. But the big convention opening up shop in Indy annually is Gen Con, the largest gaming convention in the world. Since 2002, the conference has hauled in big numbers, up to 41,000. But let's make sure we're all on the same page - by "gaming" we're not talking slots or three point buzzer-beaters: Gen Con caters to the role-playing, D&D-obsessed, basement-dwelling nerd hordes.
5. Indianapolis is way too close to Notre Dame for comfort. Finding a redeeming quality in the world of the Fighting Irish is like . . . wait for it . . . finding [INSERT ANYTHING] about Te'o's girlfriend. Boom, print it.
6. In Indianapolis, there's a law against the public "showing of covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state." This would not fly in the banana hammock-gauntlet that is Miami Beach.
7. It's in Indiana. Indiana? That state in the Great Lakes region. You know what we're talking about right? No, no that's Ohio. Nope, you're thinking of Illinois. Naw, Missouri. Now you're getting out of the region, that's Nebraska. What's the difference? Well . . . Indiana is like the missionary position of states. Does that help?
8. See this sad face? How could you get behind a city that's responsible for a sad face like this?
9. Whole lotta white people. When the sky does eventually crack with lightning, and the earth rumbles with quakes, when the seas jump the barrier walls and Mother Earth scrubs human life from this big blue ball, future societies could rebuild Indianapolis by just finding a copy of Stuff White People Like.
10. Vroooom. Oh, yeah: this happens there.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.
- MTV Casting for Show True Life: I'm Addicted to Flakka
- Again, Spray-Painters Deface Signs on Hollywood Streets Named for Confederate Leaders
- Schlitterbahn Owner: I'm Psyched to Build Waterpark in Fort Lauderdale