Ten Things South Florida Is Thankful For

Ten Things South Florida Is Thankful For
Ian Witlen

Come Friday afternoon, you'll be either sleeping because you just got home from Black Friday shopping or you'll be at the gym, working off all the food you ate the day prior. That's right, it's almost turk-a-lurk day; time to get your fat pants out, Fatty McFatterson.

See also: Ten Things You Say That Make You a Fort Lauderdalian

Here in South Florida, we have so much to be thankful for. We are truly blessed to call such a beautiful place home. While others are shoveling their driveways this time of year, we are vacuuming sand out of our car -- the Sunshine State just does holidays better. Of all the things we are thankful for, these are just a few:

Ten Things South Florida Is Thankful For
@CBS4

10. South Florida is so very thankful for the equator. Shoutout to all the equators! If weather was a thing you had to reup with your provider every year, the lines in South Florida at the weather store would make the lines to buy the Apple iPhone 6 look like a Florida Panthers ticket window.

Thank you, equator God; you're the real MVP.

Ten Things South Florida Is Thankful For

9. South Florida is thankful for Publix, because it makes shopping a pleasure.

Nowadays new supermarkets are popping up that require you to put a quarter into the shopping cart to use it, like it's Mrs. Pac-Man or something. Here in South Florida, we take Publix for granted; other states have no idea what a Publix is. Seriously, thank you, Publix. I'm a grown-ass man; I don't need to be telling people I shop at a place called Piggly Wiggly.

8. South Florida is thankful for Willis Haviland Carrier, because his beautiful ass invented the air-conditioner in 1902.

None of this South Florida business would be possibly without ol' WHC; dude changed the game when he invented A/C. If Willis Carrier were here right now, I would take him to World of Beer, order a pitcher and some jalapeno poppers, then give him the tour of all the air-conditioning vents as we high-fived and hugged in celebration.

Shit yes for air-conditioning, I love you, Willis Carrier. You're the reason for the season.

 

7. Thank you, boats, for being the cars of the sea.

Not enough is said about boats, but without them we would just be surrounded by a bunch of mysterious liquid we know little about, and that would suck. South Florida isn't that wide, and every square inch is covered by a Starbucks or Wendy's, but hop your happy ass on a boat and that thing can take you away from it all. I'm just saying, everyone talks about the invention of the car, but nobody ever talks about the guy who invented boats.

Boats create so much more room for activities. Much love, boats -- respect.

Ten Things South Florida Is Thankful For
Kyle Swenson

6. Thank you, Everglades, for giving a home to all the things South Florida is deathly afraid of.

The Everglades are so perfect, it's the yin to South Florida's yang. It's as if we have a deal with everything inside the Everglades: You stay over there, and we'll hold it down out here. Once in a while, one rogue Everglades creature will pop up in someone's pool, but I'm convinced that's just retaliation for people like the Alligator Whisperer. He pops up in their home all hugging animals and kissing their nose all creepy and shit, so they send an alligator to just walk through our neighborhoods as a scare tactic, just to remind us how quickly lines can be crossed if we don't control our crazies.

See also: Fort Lauderdale Is the Best City in Broward, and Here's Why

Thank you, Everglades, for keeping all the crazy stuff inside of you, because if it ever comes out in masses, we're all leaving. Just kidding; we'll kill it all and eat it.

Ten Things South Florida Is Thankful For
Laspadas.com

5. South Florida is thankful for Laspada's hoagies, because you better ask somebody, that's why.

The undisputed leader in South Florida hoagies since 1973, Laspada's is a staple of life in these parts. If you need to ask why South Florida is thankful for a stupid sandwich place, well then, my friend, we are not friends; get away from me. This place smacks a Subway right in its tits, then sprinkles sweet peppers all over its sobbing, confused body. You don't just walk into a Laspada's and order a sub. You walk into a Laspada's and order what kind of sex you'd like in your mouth, and it's completely legal.

 

Ten Things South Florida Is Thankful For
Aero Icarus via Wikipedia Commons

4. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus, for existing, Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood International Airport, because Miami International is a complete shit show.

I've made eight separate trips to the airport to scoop people up in the past two weeks, and I feel fairly comfortable saying if those same people flew into Miami, I would have ended our friendships and felt nothing. Fort Lauderdale International is like that quite movie theater on the outskirts of town that fewer people go to: It's a pleasure, and you get the same shit done there that you would have accomplished at the much busier one. You still suck, though, Spirit Airlines; nobody is talking to you.

Ten Things South Florida Is Thankful For

3. We are thankful for SunPass, because the future is amazeballs.

Remember when we used to have to play quarter-basketball? Or stop in long lines to hand an uninterested, hating-life stranger 75 cents? What the hell was that about? Now we just keep it moving, because a thing in the sky does a thing with that sticker on my windshield and, well, I don't know how it all works, but it's beautiful. No longer must we steer our car going 75 mph with one hand while scrounging through our ashtray for stubborn dimes with the other; our people are free!

2. Hey, thanks Sawgrass Mills Mall. Just thanks, bruh.

Imagine something in your head, anything. Now go to Sawgrass Mills because that shit is there and you can buy it. Sawgrass Mills' motto should be "Hey, come here and run your wife around dead tired because the football games start!" I once bought groceries at Sawgrass Mills, afterI bought my entire family all their Christmas presents and saw a movie. What?! Back in the day, you couldn't just go to one place and do all those things; you went to many places to do them, and none of those places looked like an alligator from the sky.

1. You're damned right we are thankful for the beaches -- that's our thing!

When all else fails, the beach is always there, like a loyal puppy when you get home after a hard day's work. Everything is better by the beach. Tell someone you are filing your taxes, you get a blank stare. Now tell that same person you are filing your taxes on the beachand that person is superinterested in how that's a thing you can do. The beach is the one place a 2-year-old toddler and a 102-year-old great grandma can equally enjoy themselves, and some cities don't have this; I KNOW!

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, South Florida. What are you thankful for?


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